I’ve missed a few days of blogging in this month that I’ve committed to posting daily, but I’ve already had more posts this month than each of the years since 2019, so this is actually a big win.

Sometimes winning doesn’t look like textbook winning.

I always knew I wanted a family of my own, but I never could imagine it in detail. And perhaps it’s best I didn’t. My life was too chaotic for me to conjure up a realistic image of my future. The “what do you want in 5 years” question always stung for me. Most of my life, I wasn’t even in one geographical location for 5 years, much less doing the same thing or even a successional thing.

Most of my life, I wasn’t partnered in such a way that I could easily see a family life.

So now I’m finally doing the thing I vaguely wanted, and it looks nothing like the family life I’ve known in the past, so it’s unsettling. I guess the familiar part is starting a family where we do not have other blood relatives. Not having a ton of cousins her age to play with on holidays is unfamiliar. Also unfamiliar is having invited my mother-in-law to move in for the first year of N’s life. Also unfamiliar is being a working mother (my mother never worked). Also unfamiliar is having a part time nanny. Pumping my milk rather than breastfeeding. Having a nice home in a nice neighborhood. Some of these unfamiliar things are great!

It’s enough unknown to feel brave, hard, and adventurous, which I suppose is the ultimate an Aries can ask for in a life.