“A cluttered room is a cluttered mind.”

Everyone knows that to be true. And judging from the state of my bedroom, it’s a miracle I can even organize a sentence right now.

I’m not even sure what New Age thinking is, all I know is it had a bad connotation in the religious circles I grew up in. So if I start to sound too New-Agey, hopefully someone will let me know.

I’m starting to understand some things about chaos & order. I’m chewing on some ancient theories, actually, that state that reality is what you think it to be. In the simplest form, chaos in your mind leads to chaos in your life, like my cluttered room. The Ancient Egyptians believed that humans were supposed to create order in the world. I think this means to keep a healthy, ordered, and optimistic perspective on life, and life will appear to you more healthy, ordered, and optimistic. I can certainly validate this in my own life, so I’m testing it out in my observations of others who view life as more chaotic.

On to not proselytizing. The most valuable lesson I took away from my yoga training was to share thoughts & ideas with others for the purpose of enlightenment, rather than persuasion. Maybe it’s my evangelical roots that keep me down. I recall being a mere 5 years old and carrying a mini bible around to my friends’ houses, trying to convince them (in all sincerity) that they should accept Jesus as their Savior because I didn’t want them to go to hell.

But I realize now that nobody wants a lecture from someone who is “right.” Nobody wants to be persuaded. Nobody wants to be wrong, or wants to change their mind. So I’m learning how to walk that line between sharing things I’m passionate about for the sake of love and connecting, versus for the sake of “look what I know,” or “you should think the same way I think.” So little of what we have to share is original. Truth is always truth, and it shines most brightly through those that are pure and clear of alterior motives. No need for pride, convincing, or persuading. Just share.

We all want to change the world. Walking into an engineering company and expressing my enthusiasm for working on environmental remediation projects as opposed to building new oil platforms was met with a somewhat expected response: “You’re not going to change the world here.” I loved the honesty of these people though. They basically said, we are still employed by, and therefore are controlled by industry. You do the amount of remediation that makes economic sense for the companies, not what’s always perfect by the planet. “I want to be part of the solution, rather than part of the problem.” I know, I’m green in more ways than one.

So I felt a twinge of naivete come upon me, and the need to agree that, yes, I realize I’m not joining this company to save the world. But I still think it’s a step up. We are ALL hypocrites to our ideals in life. We say we want one thing, but over and over we fail to exemplify that in our lives. We all want to be perfectly loving, caring, compassionate, helpful, and do the right thing by everyone all the time. But we are not. To err is human. BUT, I still feel like I am making small steps in the right direction. I KNOW that my automobile spews toxins into the air, but I still drive one. We all make these decisions everyday. But I chose to trade in my beloved SUV for a hybrid, so that’s a small step toward my ideal. I KNOW that my choice to use birth control is harming the ecosystem, but I do it anyway. I’m still working my way out of that trap. I became a vegetarian in small part because I don’t NEED to kill animals to live, so why not eliminate that additional pain & suffering in the world?

So we all want to change the world, and that can make others nervous. It can make others feel judged or convicted of their hypocrisies. All we can do is lead by our own example, and continue to look for little ways to be true, and to merge ever closer our ideals with our reality.

I’m picking up all sorts of books here and there that let me know I’m on the right path. It’s like as soon as I’ve developed a theory in my mind, I will read something from someone who has already thought about that and confirms it. From Maslow, to Jung, to now Marianne Williamson and Mary Oliver, I feel like we are all on the same page. Spooky.

“A human being is a part of the whole called the “universe,” a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of…consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in all its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.”

~Albert Einstein, as quoted by Marianne Williamson in Everyday Grace

Inner security = inner peace?

The Hindu religion encourages you to embrace and understand God in whatever form suits your personality and temperment, whether that be Father, Son, Mother, Friend, Lover, etc.

“I can believe in the inbetween
What can’t be said and only seen
When you close your eyes and open your heart
And everything you know just falls apart
And i can believe what can’t be known for sure
The things that might be
The things that never were
And still not know a thing in the end
And still believe that God is my friend”

~Bob Schneider, God is My Friend

I have a few things on my mind tonight, so let’s get started!

First, a timely quote from a band I used to listen to in my youth:
“What have we become? A self-indulgent people. Tell me where are the righteous ones, in a world degenerating? What have we become? Have we come undone?

Speak your mind, look out for yourself. The answer to it all is a life of wealth. Grab all you can ’cause you live just once. You got the right to do whatever you want. Don’t worry about others or where you came from. It ain’t what you were, it’s what you have become.

What about love? What about God? What about holiness? What about mercy, compassion, and selflessness?”

~DC Talk, What Have We Become (Jesus Freak Album Version)

After spending the afternoon at a peaceful yoga ashram out in the “countryside” in Sonoma, CA, a new perspective was had driving back into the city of San Francisco. Living in a bustling city, you get the feeling of “look what man has done.” So much work has gone into the things you see everyday: the giant buildings, miles and miles of paved roads and traffic control, mass transit, fancy boutiques and restaurants. Hundreds of thousands of successful-looking people walk from store to store with purses and wallets full of cash and credit cards, looking happy and glamorous.

It’s easy to feel like you are stuck in a system that you have not created. That everyone knows something you don’t. That it’s someone else’s land and you are just inhabiting or renting a small corner for an unknown amount of time. Nothing is yours, really. Everything, every square inch of land is owned and controlled by someone else.

I try to imagine the way San Francisco must have looked before we paved paradise and put up a parking lot. I’ve posted before that I get a sense of impending doom and impermanence whenever I look at a city in this way. As if man has built up an empire of steel and concrete and asphalt in which to showcase his wealth, but that it is all temporary, and in a way not REAL.

I think everyone questions the systems they inhabit at some point in their life, and I don’t have any intention of going A.W.O.L. into the wilderness like the kid in “Into the Wild,” but it is damned tempting sometimes.

Maybe it’s just my selfish need to create. The fact that I see so much around me that others have done that I had no part in doing makes me feel like I’m not contributing.

But another part of me thinks we are missing the point as a species. The haves and have-nots have been around since we slowly stopped the hunting and gathering lifestyle some 15,000 years ago. Yes, I am nostalgic for those days. Take this quote from a Washington State University Agricultural Revolution course:

“Hunter gatherer societies typically enjoy a surprisingly diverse diet and abundant leisure. They live in a small, personal world defined by the band, which seldom consists of more than 250 people. Since young people usually marry outside of the band and hunter gatherers have no accumulated wealth to steal, their attitude toward outsiders tends to be cautiously friendly rather than hostile.”

Abundant Leisure. Now that sounds good to me. How many of us can say we enjoy Abundant Leisure? And why not??

One reason:
“Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need.” ~Fight Club quote

What if we just bought what we needed, rather than all the shit we don’t need? We have too much money, while others don’t have enough. I really think that mass media and corrupt advertising has something to do with it. Opportunistic fools trying to peddle luxuries to the masses that don’t really need what they are selling…We really are simple creatures.

Why is it, that as a child I believed it wasn’t enough to live with a roof over our heads, eat the same food everyday, and drive cars that weren’t pretty, and took a long time to “warm up”, but got us where we were going?

How is it that my definition of ultimate success changed from surviving and having leisure time, to being wealthy enough to support my blood line for 10 generations?

Why does it cost so much to live? What really are the bare necessities? Food, then Clean Water, then Shelter. Then Health then Clothing, then Transportation then Education. Transportation has become so much more important than it should be. And why is education even on the list? So our children can grow up to sell more commodities than your country’s children. It’s all disgusting.

People point to our advances: Oh, we are living much longer now in societies that strive for wealth. We have made engineering and medical advances that have allowed this to happen. But how did this happen? On the backs of clambering commoners working 12 hours a day for greedy businessmen producing shit we don’t need. And what did the commoners give up? Leisure. Leisure has been replaced by work work work. Work so that our company can make money, so that some of this money can make us slightly more healthy and make us live longer lives. Longer lives that we can spend work work working harder and harder.

Wilderness is looking pretty good right now.

I wonder if this was all inevitable. Man has evolved these wandering, fidgeting brains, and perhaps we NEED to work so much to keep our minds occupied. To keep from getting bored to death. You could certainly say the hustle and bustle of the city is exciting, not boring. I don’t know.

And I’m enjoying having this cold and sore throat that I’ve had the past week. I brought it on myself with unncessary stress and worry, and now it’s almost healed up. I like the fact that I can trust my body to heal itself, and that I don’t have to use decongestants (speed), throat spray (anesthesia), sleeping pills (downers), or any other symptom-relief type of drug that always carries unnecessary and unwanted side effects. You got yourself into bad health, so you can live with the symptoms and learn from them, whether it is breathing through your mouth for a day, skipping your exercise routines and just resting, letting a fever run its course and just drinking enough water to stay hydrated, and allowing yourself to stay up until 2:30am if you can’t sleep and just observe your thoughts and body. When you force your body to “feel better,” you’re not trusting that it is doing its job the best it can. When you allow yourself to be totally present in your pain, you learn a lot, and are better off for it. In this case, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. When you rely on pills to take away your problems, you have no power the next time you are confronted with the same problem. You beome dependent on pills, therefore on others.

A combination of Green Tea, Swiss Dark chocolate, and dreamy plans is keeping me awake for the past 3 hours as I lay in bed. My sore throat could use the sleep to recover, but my mind wants to keep planning & acting. I'm picturing how my new massage office will look, how my therapists will greet & usher back clients; how each and every movement or process in the office will occur. If I can see it and understand it, I can make it happen. Just a few more details to iron out and I will feel more confident.

Yoga Teachers, originally uploaded by Chrissy Mc.

Above are the dear people I spent so much time with in the past 3 months. I graduated teacher training one week ago, and I’m looking forward to keeping in touch with each of them. We were really a close group.

IMG_3914, originally uploaded by Chrissy Mc.

Another world, another time (Listen here: Trip Like I Do!)…or maybe just Ocean Beach at sunset again.

I want to get married: http://www.amazon.com/gp/music/wma-pop-up/B0001AP07M001008

Still trying to fit my square peg into the right hole here in San Francisco. Either I have to find a hole that can fit an engineer, a business owner, a yoga teacher, and a coach at the same time, or I will have to shave off the corners of each of them to fit into the round hole of stability and progress. Or let go of three identities, pick one, and I could easily slip into a hole somewhere in the city. The question is am I willing to give up any of them? Should I give up any of them? Time will tell…

Our thoughts have no power until we attach ourselves to them. A street bum whom I did not recognize was rooting around in trash cans outside my apartment today, and when I casually walked past him to my car, nibbling crackers on my way to yoga class, he started saying a string of horrible things in my direction, like f$*k you, you bitch and just went on and on as I was driving away. Just angry, terrible things.

And I thought at that moment, I had a choice: (1) I could attach myself to the words he was saying and start to analyze them…maybe I should have looked him in the eye, maybe I am a bitch, was I being a bitch? Am I a horrible person? OR, (2) I could just disregard his words immediately & completely, knowing that his issues were his issues, and they had nothing to do with me, and he was just choosing to be angry and wicked.

I chose the second route and peacefully drove off to my yoga class. There was a sprout of sympathy and concern I felt for him, but mostly just disregard. It is nice to have that tool in your back pocket of not taking everything that happens to come in your direction too seriously. What if he wasn’t really talking to me? I would have agonized for nothing. What if I reminded him of his ex-wife who took everything he owned? Again, nothing to do with me.

We have a choice to involve ourselves or not to get involved with the thoughts and ideas that enter our own brain. Many of the things we perceive end up getting twisted in our thoughts and mental analysis, or are immediately shaded by paradigms we developed as children that aren’t necessarily valid anymore.

We can immediately act on our thoughts, or we can realize that a thought is just a thought until we decide to do something or feel some way about it, and NOT necessarily a truth, or a thing worth our time, energy, or focus. What is your peace of mind worth? What do you take seriously?