While I was in Montana, I had a lot of time to reflect on what to do next with my life. On Monday night, I went down to the Leaf & Bean for a soothing chai drink and some open-mic performances & poetry (I even read 3 of my poems, just for fun!). A warm espresso drink to go, then I took a walk down the streets of Bozeman to find a bar to hang out at for a while. It was actually really nice just to sit at the Rockin’ R, sip my double Amaretto sour and analyze recent events and think about the future. After that drink, I headed down the street to the nice new wine bar for a glass of red (ironically, a Californian Pinot Noir!). I had some small chit-chat with the bartenders at each bar, but the real benefit to me was allowing the alcohol to slow my thoughts enough for me to order them somewhat.

“I hope you find what you are looking for,” was the closing statement from the last bartender. And by the end of the trip, I had thought and researched enough to decide the next course of action for me was yoga teacher training and going back to school in January 2008. I found a wonderful yoga institute in the city, whose website, philosophy and energy seem to jive very well with me. I started attending classes there on Sunday, and I plan to go 3-4 times a week for the next 4 weeks, and hope to be admitted into the teacher training that starts mid-August.

My second day there (yesterday), I bought a book written by their founding yoga master, Swami Satchidananda. See my Favorite Books section for a link to his book, To Know Your Self. It has already made my list of favorite books! I am about 3/4 done with it, and I have found it to be the most truthful book on religion/philosophy that I have associated with. It has the simplicity and beauty of Khalil Gibran’s masterpiece, the Prophet, and many points of ponderance. It is the kind of book I hope to compile one day far down the road, when my understanding of existence is more solidified. Something of a gem you could leave to your children, and children’s children.

Looking back I realize that if I had been keeping up with my Yoga practice all along, I may have not found myself in the suffering I endured in the last month or so, and I wouldn’t have had to resort to running away from my problems and using alcohol to help clear my mind. I had been so busy working, eating, sleeping, and not taking time to reflect, meditate, or take care of my body, so I did not handle the challenges I faced very well. I blamed others for my suffering (boyfriend especially, among others) and missed several opportunities to rise above my difficult situations because I had allowed my mind to become chaotic, and neglected my health.

But now, with renewed dedication to becoming a better person, I feel hopeful about the future and much less worried. I’ve even decided to jump on the vegetarian train for a while. I’ve been watching that Discovery Channel Show about the guy that skydives into remote wilderness areas and shows you how to survive. Last night I watched him find a dead frozen sheep in the Icelandic tundra and cut a legbone off to eat (and the eyeball too!). It was interesting to learn that you can’t eat raw meat because our stomachs don’t digest it well…which is the reason we cook our game and domestic animal meals (he ended up boiling the sheep leg in a natural hot springs).

My yoga book postulated that herbivores are less aggressive and more peaceful when compared to meat eaters, that you can see this by going to a zoo. That herbivores have flat teeth and carnivores have pointed teeth and claws for tearing flesh, so that we are closer anatomically to herbivores. So I think it is an option worth exploring, and I’m going to observe the effects on my body and mind. I do think it’s an interesting point that if you had to kill all the meat you eat yourself, you probably wouldn’t eat so much. My young nephew was very concerned the first time he went fishing and had to kill the fish. He didn’t like the idea at all. I admit I thought to myself, great, he’s going to be one of those over-sensitive sissies.

But maybe there is that reluctance to kill another beautiful creature in all of us, and if we must sacrifice lives of plants and animals to sustain ourselves, and we are not in SURVIVAL mode, why not choose to cause less suffering by taking the abundant fruits, vegetables, nuts, beans, and dairy products, rather than killing something with a nervous system and capacity for pain? So, I thought I’d never say it, but I’m going vegetarian for a while. Not crazy fanatic vegan or strict vegetarian, but making an effort to sustain myself more responsibly.

It would be interesting to study the effects of repressive discrimination on a person’s personality. I’ve noticed this in gay men and other groups of minorities, and have only had a taste of it myself. For example, my last roommate was aware that my parents did not approve of his lifestyle and that underneath the pleasantries, they considered him an unrepentant sinner. In response, he tried to ‘win’ them over by being polite, kind, and generous, and by censoring any homo-or sex/gender-related humor. However, it was killing him inside to not be accepted for who he was and to have the burden of the reputation of his ‘people’ on every move.

Minorities often feel they have to be on their best behavior to fight commonly-held negative group stereotypes. For example, if we are believed to be lazy, we will work twice as hard as you to distinguish ourselves, and god forbid you slip up or you will be dismissed as that lazy ‘_______’.

When I visited Pakistan, I got a taste of the pressure of a minority. I couldn’t be modest or traditional enough to ever fully have the respect of the natives. Like it was Halloween, I pretended to be modest and covered my arms, legs, and head. But to know that I could never wear a bathing suit to a beach or wear the shorter, cooler clothes I was accustomed to was quite annoying toward the end. To make up for my ‘shortcomings,’ I was on my best behavior at all times, so as not to have Americans judged more negatively.

In all three cases, it may come down to how hard one has to work to earn the respect of others in their environment. Everyone has to conform somewhat to local social norms, but what a struggle some people go through when they are a minority.

My high school coach/guidance counselor’s words would turn out to be prophetic: It may take Christina a while to find her niche in life; I can see her with multiple degrees.

When you feel totally clueless about the next step to take in life, what do you do? I’m thinking it may be time to go back to school, and/or do some traveling.

My horoscope in Vanity Fair magazine has been dead-on for as long as I’ve been reading it, maybe about 5 or 6 years at least. Call it self-fulfilling, or what you will, but there was only one time where it didn’t fit my situation at all–a pretty good track record. They are usually not negative, but the last one said something about someone else ruining your dream for you, and I knew it would likely be my dream of settling down and starting a family soon. My relationship is just too complicated for that, and I’m feeling more and more that I haven’t found the right partner for that dream.

So onto the next dream.

When I think back to my childhood for direction, I recall my classmates often remarking that I would be the President of the USA someday. It’s funny how something like that sticks with you. Some people get told they should be a model, or a comedian, or a mommy, but I think because I was always the top student in the small schools I attended in the Midwest, my peers thought an over-acheiver would make a good President.

The fact that George W Bush has been in power for two terms gives me some confidence I, or just about anyone of reasonable intelligence for that matter, could run this great country. But seriously, that job would be a daunting undertaking, assuming grave personal risk, and huge responsibility, and you’d be a fool to assume you could do it easily.

But I do have an interest in government, law, psychology, leadership, foreign affairs, and ethics, so who knows? I may be able to contribute to the shaping and direction of this country eventually, in some capacity. I wouldn’t mind leaving a stamp in history as one that helped steer the little human colony of America in the most noble direction possible. To somehow promote and distill the best of human potential into every decision made at the representative level, forsaking the traps of power, bribery, and half-truths so rampant in today’s politics. To make government as lean and efficient as possible, so that it is not so vulnerable to be stretched and warped by so many individuals and special interest groups at so many levels. And to help define our place in the world, not as shotgun imperialist, but as a uniting and defending force with other world colonies that share our core values.

But for now, I’ll just continue to seek and learn whatever I can until I am compelled to a certain path.

Time for another step in my meandering journey.

Fear is your weapon
Hopelessness your fuel
Twisted by sexual repression
And lack of resources
Skin is the enemy
Lust an evil temptress
You say 'Western girls deserve to die
For the way they dress and dance'
Well the Dark Ages passed
And light won out.
Your reign of terror
is destined for failure
Because the spirit in us all,
Even in you,
Longs for freedom
And justice and life
And expressions of joy.
But you see no future
And you are fed lies
And your desire to change your world
Yields only a fool's bitter destruction
And one day the frantic despair
You vomit everywhere
With your bombs and nails and gasoline
Will disgust you and kill you too.
And if you were not already dead
You would mourn the
Lives wasted
On the fruitless and heartless
War you waged.
And there will be no virgins
No one will forgive you
And no one will tell their children your name.

I thought it might do me good to get out of town this weekend and spend time with family. I'm so lucky to have that core group of people that love me unconditionally and whom I know will be there for me through hard times.

I decided this yesterday and got a good price on an oversold flight to Lewiston, ID. A couple days with my parents and a few days in Bozeman with my sister's family should do me good.

I'm exhausted from working a full schedule and moving all my worldly possesions across the earth, getting no help or support from the man that supposedly loves me, and dealing with a car accident and news that I have to be out of my massage space in 1.5 months. I started to think that if everything I owned burned to the ground, it wouldn't be so bad!

So here's to family, a change of pace, and fresh mountain air…

In a way, my father was right. Partnering with a black man would make my life more difficult. He warned that my children would get made fun of, for instance. He didn’t predict that my 4Runner would get a swastika keyed in the passenger side in Las Vegas, or that I would be given my deposit back & asked to leave my new apartment minutes after my boyfriend came for a brief visit and look at the place. Fear is still running rampant in the world, and I’m still running into it head-on.

It seems I was fated to move into the place I’m moving into tomorrow. Although it was 1.5 miles further from my job, in a worse neighborhood, and $175 more per month, I felt bad about saying no to it, and asked the sweet woman who showed me her home for her contact information “just-in-case” the new place didn’t work out. I called my parents today, and they joked whether I was moving again since I had just called them yesterday to tell them I had moved from Treasure Island. Ha, ha, I don’t think so, I told them. Not an hour later, and I was moving again. So hopefully fate is directing me to this new home for a good reason.

I’ve been thinking more about what I want to do with my life. I keep saying (and feeling) that my biological clock is ticking, and that I really want to have children NOW. But I’m also considering where I am in my life, and what really makes sense right now. Should I wait 2+ years for things to settle down with my boyfriend’s job, and to progress our relationship along? What do I do in the meantime? How can you plan your life around an event that will be happening maybe, SOMETIME in the next 10 years?

I’m thinking if I had a choice, my next move would be to Washington, D.C. I could still keep my morning job, if needed, and pursue temp work with different agencies to get some exposure in the area. Or, I could put an application in with a government agency and start the 9-5 life back up again. But one thing that bothered me about working at a large corporation was the 2 weeks vacation per year. It’s like President Bush’s comment that working 3 jobs is “uniquely American.” Sad and true.

Why do we need to work so much to support ourselves? Now, I’m not against working hard. Anyone who has known me for any substantial amount of time can attest to that. I just think that progress should look like becoming more balanced between family & work life. All our inventions and efficiencies and progress have not resulted in less work for the average American.

And if 8 hours are spent sleeping, and 8 are spent at work (let’s just bump that to 10, which is probably more accurate), that leaves 6 for commuting, eating, errands, other committments, entertainment, learning, free time (what?), and oh, yes, family & friends.

So my fear in settling back into a career-type-job is that I won’t love it enough to agree to forfeit some of the things in the 6-hour column. I must admit, my current lifestyle choice of a self-employed person isn’t exactly providing me the amount of free time I desire either, so what is there to lose?

I do know that I DO NOT want to work a 9-5er while raising children until school-age. So that takes 5-10 years out of my earning potential. I made this very clear to my current boyfriend, actually within hours of meeting him! But here I go talking about children again, with no promise of any such thing in the near future, though it’s the one task I’m perfectly made to do. It is enticing in a big way, in that it promises a diversion, or a relief from the burden of deciding what course of action to take next in my life. I don’t clearly see what it is I’m supposed to be doing with my next few years, and it frustrates me to no end.

How I’m feeling lately, explanation to follow:

In my state of blind confusion, no god can pull me out.
These lonely tears I cry, they keep me in chains & I wish they’d release me.
Cold is the night but colder still is the heart made of stone turned from clay.
And if you’d follow me you’ll see all the black, all the white, fade to grey.

~Jars of Clay, Fade to Grey, Much Afraid album

First Line:

Sometimes, I don’t know what to do, and it feels like blind confusion. You have your experience, you have what others advise you to do about your experience, and if you keep an open mind and try to see all sides of the story, it feels like you are blind, because the easy answers disappear. “No god can pull me out” is my general state of mind. When there are no answers people turn to God. God implies absolutes, and I have no absolutes to pull me out of my tough situations.

Second Line:

Tears feel very lonely in general. Tears feel like an indulgence, one that you feel guilty for. But when you need to be strong & reign in your emotions, the emotions do not disappear. They are repressed. And what is repressed will be expressed.

Third Line:

When you go through trying times, it’s hard to keep your heart open to the world. You want to focus just on yourself and shut everyone out. I suppose this is a protective mechanism. You can’t take the chance that anyone else will rock your world. You can stay behind your wall for some time, but you must come out in order to heal, and in order not to alienate people that want to help you. You want your heart to be clay, and not to let it turn to stone.

Fourth Line:

I love this line, because I think it sums up an important characteristic of mine: “If you’d follow me, you’d see all the black, all the white, fade to grey.” I pride myself on consideration of multiple viewpoints with as little prejudice as possible. People like black & white. The enemy is “evil.’ Abortion is “wrong.” Things are “good” or “bad.” You’re on my team, or you’re not. But the truth is most often somewhere inbetween. It is not popular to be perceived as indecisive, or not to take a stand on an issue.

“Any fool can have an opinion…” I would rather live with some confusion than to back an opinion prematurely.

I’m not the person you come to if someone wronged you and you want a simple answer. There’s so many people out there that think they can give good advice not knowing the situation. Oh, he cheated on you? Leave him! Maybe my dilemma is the more you know, the more you realize you don’t know. But I’ve found that I live in the world of grey more than most people are comfortable with.

Change is hard. I didn’t realize that by accepting a new job with a new company and a new boss, that I would have to learn so much about myself. Today, I discovered another one of my weaknesses. I believe that, as a child, I prided myself on being the smartest one in the class. It became an identity of mine, and as I progressed through school and social scrutiny, it was one of the things that made me “OK” as a person. My family did not have money or nice things, but at least I could get a better grade than you on a test, or do a math flashcard faster than you, so I was going to BE somebody.

So I realize that I feel extremely unsettled when I feel my intelligence is brought into question. It doesn’t even have to be your intention, but if I feel like you’ve underestimated my intelligence, I take it very personally. If I think you think I’m stupid, I feel almost physically threatened, and my first reaction is embarassed anger.

Thinking about it further, I suppose my athletic abilities are probably my second Achilles’ weak spot. I remember getting very flustered a couple years back when my boyfriend teased me for not being able to do very many pushups at the gym. I think I was actually so embarrassed and hurt that I aimed a low-blow at him, insulting his intelligence. It made me feel better, but I felt bad afterward.

If there was a third weak spot, it would probably be my beauty, but this hasn’t affected me much yet for probably a couple reasons: First, I’m not stunningly beautiful, so it was never my most valuable asset. But, I’m fairly well-proportioned and I’ve always been able to turn a few heads when I clean up and am feeling confident. Secondly, I still have some youth on my side, which automatically makes you more beautiful than the average woman. So I haven’t been too bitterly crushed by anyone rejecting me as “ugly.” Not yet, anyway.

The trick now will be spotting future character “attacks” for what they are: My own insecurities about being good enough and feeling valuable as a person. It’s hard when you are thrown into a new environment, being as sensitive as I am beneath my exterior, to stand your ground and believe in your strong qualities, or further, in your innate value because YOU EXIST.

You have to acknowledge the crutches you hold onto that carried you through childhood, while not leaning too heavily on those crutches that you push others away. I’m learning to resist anger and work with others through what feels like attacks, so that you can both grow together in your understanding of one another, and to bring out the best in both people.

……………………………………………………………………

Added 6/17, 7:00pm

I thought of my other strength/vulnerability after writing this: My integrity. I believe I grew up as somewhat of a perfectionist, in order to avoid anger & instability in my household. So when I think that people might be questioning my integrity, I take it very personally and get angry and panicky, thinking that my world may collapse if others believe I don’t have integrity. It is hard for me to feel accused of anything; in fact, many times I’ll feel embarrassment over a situation in which I could have dong the wrong thing, but didn’t, but just the fact that even a stranger would consider that I might have done something wrong makes me flustered. I’ll turn red, and then people will think that I’m lying when I’m really telling the truth. It’s weird, but I suppose it’s all tied up in that childhood psychology of feeling like I must have integrity or I might die.

I’ve been privileged to have some very wonderful food near where I work. Today I’m eating lunch at a Nicaraguan restaurant, literally the first open restaurant my hungry belly found closest to work. The picture shows what I’m drinking, a delightful seedy drink called Chia. Also had some very tasty meat porridge and fried plantains here.

Yesterday I had tropical ice cream (mango and a flavor I’ve never heard of) served in a coconut shell with banana slices, whip cream, nuts, & a cherry on top, from Mitchell’s. I’ve also frequented a place that makes Indian pizza, and the crust is the best crust I’ve ever eaten, not to mention the super-tasty toppings.

Yes, I am a happy camper lately! A huge benefit of living in a diverse city like this is the diversity of different food available. Yum, wonderful.