Probably some random reflections, musings at the airport on my way home to San Francisco for the new year…

On life balance: The past 4 years I have been using every available waking hour as a “work” hour. I had more vacations than normal this summer and my Yosemite trip in particular was very difficult for me to adapt to “not working.” It wasn’t even that I was working productively 100 hours/week. A lot of the time was traveling between jobs, or intense sessions at a computer. Mostly I was spending time worrying about all the things I wouldn’t be getting done, and feeling guilty about sitting down on the couch after dinner occasionally. I almost totally denied myself any fun social activities beyond going to the movies by myself or with an old friend. FOR THREE YEARS.

The new year brings new opportunities to redefine what I want my life to look like. This has come at a steep price. My past 4 years were spent working very hard to build a life that would eventually bring me freedom and leisure, or at least get me by. It was a backward pursuit that burnt me out physically and spiritually and ultimately confused me in the end. I realize how much, and how little I can accomplish on my own. I learned the art of planning for success. I learned the art of delegation and the invaluable asset of community. And I’m learning more every minute about the value of taking action when I am called to and not letting things play out too far.

By leaving my relationship early this summer, I was making a conscious choice (finally) to spend my time with someone who truly loved and trusted me. I was so ready for something better and more awesome, a smooth ride with an open heart. I think I committed to the idea of commitment with him. I must have been rebounding from 2 years of casual flinging and was wanting something “deeper.” I’m still so immature when it comes to relationship dynamics. I hope I can manifest a real partnership. I don’t know how so many other people in the world have done it. But how many are really doing it successfully, and not just co-dependently? How can I practice for this? Ugh.

Not only did I kill my relationship but I’ve now decided to kill its child, my massage therapy business. The dopamine is gone there too and come to think of it, it was manifesting the same pattern as my relationship: It wasn’t meeting my needs and that was ok as long as someone else was getting the benefits. Jeez Louise. When I did finally decide to get my needs met I discovered it just wasn’t what I really wanted after all anyway. Weird.

So maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me that I need to be taken care of for a while. Let’s see where that takes me…

It's hard to be sad after you've won a new car.

Wife/Girlfriend: I'm sorry, but I'm seeing someone else. He's a brilliant attorney. He does triathlons.

Husband/boyfriend, who just recently won a new car, tearing up: Bwahahaha ahahahaha!

You don’t have the right
To hold onto your pain
As long as you clutch that fireball
You will burn everyone who tries to hold your hand

You don’t have the right
To withhold your trust
What you think is a shield is a nasty dreamweaver
And those you love get caught in your nets

You don’t have the right
To perpetuate hurt in the world
Men are more prone to this than women
It takes greater courage for a man
To humble himself when abused

The only way to live and love
Is with the heart of a child
That purity and innocence
Was not reflected when you last looked in a mirror
But the child is not gone
You just need a cleaner mirror

I agreed to hold your heart forever
And my chest opened wide
I was sitting on the recliner
And your heart flew inside
Tears streamed through my eyes
As your heart merged with mine
I wonder if you felt it
If you gave it
Is it mine?

Napoleon: The spiritual to the physical needs are 3:1

Word of God is like a sword, a shield, armor, fire, a hammer that breaks rocks

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart

Some of my favorite passages:

Nature of God (p276):

"God is patient and subtle. God works through process and not through magic, not through snapping the divine fingers. That's what we learn from seeing the history of creation as science has revealed it. And I think that tells us something about how God acts generally. When you think about it, if God is really a God whose nature is best described as being the God of love, then that is how love will work. Not by overwhelming force, but by persuasive process."

(p271)

"If creatures are going to make themselves, to explore this potentiality, there will be blind alleys and ragged edges in that exploration…It's the shadow side of a world allowed to make itself."

Chaos and Creation (p267)

"There's a very interesting scientific insight which says that regions where real novelty occurs, where really new things happen that you haven't seen before, are always regions on the edge of chaos…If you're too much on the orderly side of that borderline, everything is so rigid that nothing really new happens. You just get rearrangements. If you're too far on the haphazard side, nothing persists, everything just falls apart…Where order and disorder interlace, where really new things happen, [that's] where the action is, if you like."

Love & Depression (p233)

"And the feeling of love couldn't exist without a range of other feelings that surround it, the primary one being the fear of loss. If the loss of someone you love didn't make you sad, then what substance would the love have? Therefore the emotional range that includes great sadness and great pain is essential to the kind of love and attachment that we form."

Darwin on death (p113)

"Sic transit gloria mundi with a vengeance"

"And so passes the world with a vengeance"

The death of one person is nothing compared with the death of millions of species throughout recorded history in the collapse of the solar system.

I woke up on Christmas morning
And found your gifts under my tree
Memories of you and me
I unwrapped them eagerly
And replayed them, one-by-one
Treasures of love, lust, and fun!

Dad: You’re not going to have kids, you’re gonna have calculators. You tell him I said that. Just let me know if you name your first one R2 or D2.

Mom, I don’t have frickin’ fibromyalgia! I’ve slept on 7 different beds the past 7 nights.

Me: Mom, how would you describe my personality when I was 10 years old? Am I still the same?
Dad (raises eyebrow): Weird
Me: I didn’t ask you, Dad!
Mom: Bouncy, bubbly…the same. Inquisitive, involved.

Dad: Want some hot Dr. Pepper with lemon? It’s what ails ya…