Time to Redesign

What kind of body do I want?
What kind of housing do I want?
What kind of partner do I want?
What kind of friends do I want?
What kind of successes do I want?
What kinds of experiences do I want?

New Year’s Resolutions are coming early this year…

What Do I Want?

I want to manage massage therapists and their working environment.

I want to mentor massage therapists and help them network.

I do not want to do customer service or be a receptionist.

I want to do business strategy.

I do not want to do hours of paperwork/data entry.

I want to help organize events and creative design but do not want to work at them.

I want to receive massage twice a month.

I want to focus on giving massage for my athletes and a few existing clientele.

The Pruning

In the end
I’d rather have my peace of mind
Than striving, flailing, grasping
It’s just not worth the closing down
The moments wasted in agony

If it’s all good
And it’s all God
And everything I’ve been teaching
Pain motivates
In other words, moves you
In directions you have been avoiding

I’ve never been tested like this before

My boldness yielded lessons
That taste like death
But fear always does
So I try to remember
I’m only dying
To a non-awesome life

I chose this path
I took these risks
And it’s time to rethink what I want

Hell

I’m in my own personal hell
I wish I could accept myself
And my decisions
But the consequences are too great
I’ve risked everything
And it all could fall apart
Did I do enough?
I should have done more
I’m maxed out
Stressed out
Never want to be here again
To have any chance of success
I have to see this through
My limitations feel like a corset
I guess I’ve played my cards
The hand has been dealt
I’m in purgatory
And it’s out of my control

Battle of One

In a city full of people
I’ve never felt so alone
There’s a tension I’ve been holding
For 3 long years
A strange sort of
Arm twisted
Growth stunting
Burden
That has kept me poor
Miserable
Under the radar
Of the happy, well-adjusted people
I wished I was having drinks with
Survival mode ends tonight
As I lay the final handmade brick in the foundation
Of a world I dared to create
From nothing less than a longing to do
Something meaningful
And my hands are shaking
My thoughts tormenting
Wondering if any of it is good enough
Then confused by all my doubts
I built a house when I was 23
But that was a sure bet
And easy enough
This is me
Or it all came through me
All of it was my doing
My dreaming
My vehicle
Into a city I’ve always feared
My little craft
On autopilot
My personal project, half-conceived
This will not make or break me
But I will be judged tomorrow

Thoughts on Progress

The founding fathers didn't forsee internet, TV/radio, cars/planes (instruments of greater speed and connection). We are already experiencing growing pains of easy access to information: polarity in religion and politics. Where will ultimate singularity take us? With a single purpose is there a need for law? What does being connected with everyone while moving very fast look like? Does it look like ultimate freedom? Or does it look like molecules in a pot beginning to boil? What are we boiling into?

We are living in an exciting time, in an exciting country. In a virtual experiment. The self-proclaimed leaders in a freedom experiment for the world. Why would I want to be anywhere else? This is where the excitement is. So why does it feel so blah?

Television advertising plays to our smallest selves. Insecurity opens wallets. We all have been buying the notion that we have a long way to go before we are successful, and by the way, there are a lot of things you should buy in the meantime. Garbage in, garbage out. Imagine if youth was not wasted awash in those lies. Imagine if schools were institutions of freedom, justice, equality, identifying true talent and pointing that talent at the right causes for the greatest good. Imagine truly enlightened students, rather than insecure drones ready to be auctioned off to the highest-bidding company.

How are we moving faster and making more connections yet creating more distance between ourselves physically? Are bodies becoming irrelevant? We are already ignoring them daily in this country, resulting in everything from Repetitive Stress Injuries to Obesity to Heart Disease. If not ignoring them, drastically altering them! Gastric bypass, cosmetic surgeries…What is the role of bodies when information and speed become paramount?

We need to be careful with the information we continually expose ourselves and our children to in this age of interconnectedness. Let's make sure WE are steering this ship to the destiny of our highest selves. Are we reinforcing the values laid down by our founding fathers? Or are we reinforcing the lies that we are all small and insignificant and stupid and not worthy and will always be in need, so might as well just look out for number one. How can we do this together?

Disturbed – "Guarded"

"Guarding yourself from the love of another

Left you with nothing tonight

Why does it sound like the devil is laughing

Leaving me haunted tonight

You did decide

Now I want you, when you're gone, and now it's like

You're holding something just in front of me

Well then, I can't allow this to become another

One of those times that I'm left in the cold, dead

There's no compromise

Just another tie

I know I need to sever

Guarding yourself from the love of another

Left you with nothing tonight

Why does it sound like the devil is laughing

Leaving me haunted tonight

You did decide

Ever haunted, by the trappings of this life

Sweet redemption, just in front of me

Well now, it seems once again that I've lost another

One of the one's that have broke through the wall

Damned

Fate won't compromise

I have sold my soul,

And now the devil's laughing

You did decide

You were bold and strong, and ready to begin your life

All for nothing, you were sacrificed

You began alone, and so it will be when you die

All for nothing, will you be remembered?

You did decide

Guarding yourself from the love of another

Left you with nothing tonight

So now you know why the devil is laughing

He left you with nothing tonight

You did decide"

Infinite Duo

I’m rushing into forever
I’m used to getting what I want
When things don’t work I fix them
If there’s a door I open it

I’m ready for infinity
66 years and we’re here
As orchestrated and delicate
As the kiss of life on Earth

None of us should be here
The odds against us are too great
So all of you have meaning
There’s no small part to play

There are those of us fate smiles upon
We always seem to get what we want
But it takes two to dream this dream
Dance this dance
Love and be loved
It has always taken two

The "Alarming" Popularity of Ignorance?

The rising popularity of ignorance is something liberals have been lamenting, pointing to the Tea Party movement. However, it should not be seen as a strictly right-wing uprising stemming only from a place of fear and hate. If you ask the question, “Why is ignorance fashionable right now?” you see that it is not a partisan problem. The “Main Street vs. Wall Street” mantra preached by the democratic President Obama is cut from the same cloth. Americans rightly feel that our economy has tanked due to the risky financial actions of white-collar, highly-educated “Big Business” (banks/lenders), under what is assumed to be an “educated” Government, which provided the institution, oversight, and ultimately, a bailout. It is not surprising, then, that “common sense” of “common people” should become the rallying cry of the population.

The choice of Sarah Palin then as a candidate suddenly makes sense when this is taken into consideration. Republicans were betting that America was feeling that intellectuals could not be trusted to keep our country safe. Of course, this is not true. The RIGHT deserving intellectuals ought to be entrusted to keep our country safe.

We do not need to resort to blindly fearing the Tea Party, perpetuating name-calling, etc. Even if 99% of their platform may appear misguided to a liberal, there is a reason they exist. Rather, we ought to refocus the discussion back to the hard issues we could actually agree on but prefer to avoid. We do not need more “common” people, i.e., uneducated citizens running for office to change Washington. One correct action is to focus the media, especially liberal media, on meaningful dialogue. Or at the least do it in your living room, then with your family and friends. Then, we might actually be able to work together to identify how we can craft economic and business policies which set up proper incentives and oversight in order to protect our shared economic future. I realize polarization is somewhat necessary and popular leading up to election dates, but when you polarize an opponent ad nauseum to the point of losing all discussion of the real underlying issues the whole country loses ground in the march toward real freedom.

What have we accomplished lately?