I'm attempting to tame my neuroses and process the many changes that have happened in my life the past four months:

1) Expanded my business

2) Ended an unsatisfying 9 year relationship that had given me a false sense of grounding and direction

3) Stopped vegetarian diet

4) Tried online dating. Went out on a date for the first time since age 21. Opened up a new world. Now having a steady string of crazy, beautiful, terrifying, enlightening experiences.

5) Went on a cleansing regime. Stopped taking BC hormones. Body changed.

6) Spent a week exercising out in nature 8 hours/day (Yosemite).

7) Went to Burning Man, i.e. drove 7 hours into a desert and survived a week in a psychotic city full of total strangers. Learned new emotional coping techniques. Opened heart. Dropped some more baggage.

8) Became very poor and learned a financial lesson that my college and post-college wealth had prevented me from experiencing – the hard way.

7) Reevaluated the path I am on! Am I still where I need to be?

I'm still reeling but getting by day-to-day the best I can. It's kind of like re-learning the world and its rules all over again. New paradigms are being built. Hypotheses tested. And it feels late in the game to be doing it, but then you look around and realize it's being done constantly, by everyone. We are all an ongoing giant iteration. Molecules bouncing off each other, expending energy and initiating equal-but-opposite reactions. Clinging to comfortable lies and avoiding painful truths as we keep bumping into people that propel us ever further along. The less we focus on the "ego", or ourselves, the more we are able to truly give and have fulfilling relationships. Interesting exploration.

My last living grandparent passed away tonight. Rest in peace Keith. We are all born innocent (McLoughlin).

His effect on my life has been profound (besides the obvious fact of existence), and his passing makes me ponder the effects of karma (past actions). For example, my grandfather was a sex offender. I hardly spent any time with him as a youth. As a result of his actions, my mother was super cautious when it came to sexuality with her children. We could not watch a couple kissing on tv, for example. I was not allowed to go to my eighth grade dance. My clothing was conservative. I was told I could not date until age 16, and did not have a real boyfriend until after high school.

Similarly, my mother was strongly affected in her twenties by her young brother's tragic death involving alcohol and diving. We never had a drop of alcohol in our home. My mother has still never had a drink of alcohol. Beer commercials on tv would prompt a swift channel changing. I did not have any experience observing people using alcohol (positively or negatively) until I left home and went to college.

I am also feeling so grateful for my mother's handling of the abuse that occurred in her family. It seems to be common amongst women to absorb abuse and not perpetuate it or externalize it in its original form. This obviously had health implications for her (holding that energy in her body) that are still not totally resolved, and may never be. But what a gift to be able to stop a gruesome cycle of abuse. My mother is an amazing woman.

We are all products of each other, and as such we increase health and happiness of humanity by striving to be better people in spite of what life hands us. My mother and grandmother's daily spiritual practices are huge reasons that we grandchildren are generally successful, productive people. Important to remember and continue their traditions.

1) Paddling 101: dig deep, center forward on board, legs in
2) First duck & roll, fun!
3) Lots of great white sharks 300 yards from where we surf – awesome!
4) Don't stay up late, drink too much wine and cider, eat chocolate and go surfing early next morning after driving winding roads — nauseous
5) Long boards rule! Short boards for steep-faced waves
6) Stood up on a tall wave for the first time – super scary to brain, no actual danger
7) Took a few extra risks and wave beatings, just to see what they felt like
8) Peeing in a wetsuit: feels so right it can't be wrong : )

Maybe it's time to venture out again
Claim a new space
Fill it with myself
And see who comes

My heart knows no other words
I just love you
And everything you are
And all that you will become
And all that you ever were
You're a living metaphor
And I'm lucky to have met you
On this planet
In this lifetime

1. More frequent waves = more opportunities, more FUN! More expletives!
2. Coconut oil rubbed on neck beforehand totally elminated neck rash opportunities
3. Keep your shoreline target in sight
4. I like using a fatter leash just below the knee better than around ankle.
5. Longer board was way easier to get up on.
6. Got too hot using surf bonnet, but didn't get water in ears. Couldn't hear with it on though, so took it off.

I was bigger than myself this morning
I'm activating my potential
And it's vast
Like the widest, lushest meadow
Stretching farther into the distance
Than I have ever seen a landscape go
And this love
Sweet, light, grounding, deep
Invited me there