Monthly Archives: February 2011

Hell in a Handbasket

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“Fatih Birol, chief economist with the International Energy Agency, has said, “We should leave oil
before it leaves us.” I agree. If we can phase out the use of oil quickly enough to stabilize climate, it will also facilitate an orderly, managed transition to a carbon-free renewable energy economy. Otherwise we face intensifying competition among countries for dwindling oil supplies and continued vulnerability to soaring oil prices. And with our recently developed capacity to convert
grain into oil (that is, ethanol), the price of grain is now tied to that of oil. Rising oil prices mean rising food prices.”

http://www.earth-policy.org/images/uploads/book_files/wotebook.pdf

Valentine’s Day Musings

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In a really weird mood thanks to a V-day conversation with a certain London breaker of peace. I thought asking about the weather would be a neutral enough question, but it opened up a shitcan of worms. Being a natural planner and enough Virgo, I get unnerved by the thought of moving toward a chaotic, catastrophic climate-change-propelled future. But the Aries in me loves the challenge of facing an unknown and conquering. I find that the men I have been spending time with lately are these high testosterone, thrill-seeking warriors that are all in some kind of potentiality flux. Maybe I'm looking for these fucking mirrors right now because I am redesigning my life.

Unfortunately, after 9 years of grounding, I'm not willing to chain myself to a boring 9-to-5er again, so I'm stuck having to deal with amplified feelings of chaos and uncertainty in the people I choose to talk to and hang out with. Not that I don't have a plan, at least for a good portion of this year. It's the good portion of my life that is totally up in the air. It's like when I quit my job at Chevron and asked myself "Where do I want to go and what do I want to do, if ANYTHING and ANYWHERE were possible." And the question totally overwhelmed me, so I pussied out, moved to San Fran near the BoyF and put too many cards on the massage table. I think I was actually on the right track with the federal government work and the hammer coaching. Those were conscious, passionate choices I manifested. When you create a business, you create a universe, a process, a system of laws. You have to be committed and ready to run it like you are its God. It's a world on your shoulders, and if you are not running with it, it will crush you.

So do I want to start another business right now? Hell no! Only a fool would aspire to run a business without a strong vision and an end-game. Just sayin'. From experience.

My financial planner is challenging me to think of my future now too, which I honestly haven't done seriously, and never in alignment with what my true self really wants and needs. It's a challenging time of self-discovery. I'm learning a lot. That's the point.

I want to talk about my sex and relationship life eventually because I think it is equally revealing and brim-full of lessons, just have to give it some more thought as to how to present it. Hmmmm. Sometimes I wish people weren't so damned human.

Fast Forward

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I’m toasting a phantom on a plane
With scarlet wine
An energy that sizzled next to me on the floor
In peaches and cream
Breaking my neck and flooding my eyes
I wanna take him to the desert
In my red lace and tight leather pants
Gagged, subdued, sweating out the toxins
Just the two of us, and our playful, violent, lovely dreams

Potential

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Leave them better off than you found them
Applies to kitchen counters and hearts

Oh, make me a better lover
Slow me down
Sift my speech for gold
Clean my heart
So I can sit naked with yours
Let love drive our thoughts
Let me lift you by the power of the rising tide of my life
The way you have lifted me
May my words be a song in your ear
May my actions speak of our love
Perfect me
You deserve nothing less

Cruel?

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Sometimes I tell myself
I need to be more careful
I say what’s on my mind
I have a playful spirit
But some people
Are in the mood to die
One of these days I’m going to play tag and accidentally push one over the edge
Then I’ll really be sorry…

Uncommon? Sacrifice

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I just got a memo under my hotel room door informing me that there is a shortage of power in New Mexico, and that I am being asked to lower my room temperature by 10 degrees. I happily obliged. It was almost refreshing to have an upscale hotel such as Embassy Suites ask their members to make a sacrifice.

Albuquerque is no stranger to sacrifice. I lived here two summers, and recall the mayor asking for limited or no lawn watering during periods of drought, and also asking people to limit water usage in homes, such as shower length.

My senior design project in college was the creation of a trash-sorting and biofuel producing facility for our Montana community (Bozeman). We built in an extensive set of machinery and equipment to separate recyclables from compostables from trash. We were asked by a classmate after our well-received presentation, why we didn't consider having people pre-sort their own trash. Our answer was that it was too imposing on the community – we couldn't possibly ask them to do that! Montana was a more individual-based state in terms of its laws and freedoms at that time. Only after moving to California and living in San Francisco did I realize that people were more than willing to separate their own trash! This alone might have made our project feasible in the "real-world."

I'm learning not to underestimate our citizen's capacity for sacrifice, for the common good.

More To Do Items

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Guess my Resolutions List is still growing!

Hot Air Balloon ride in ABQ
Hangglide
Visit Hawaii
Visit Norway, England, Scotland, Greece, Italy, Germany, France, Ireland
Study Astrology
Study history (particulary colonization/decolonization)
Eat out once a week at a new restaurant
Go out with friends twice a week
Hot springs, ocean/bay, or nature hike monthly
Weekend stay at coastal town every other month
Clothes shopping monthly
Attend Fashion shows 4/year
Go out dancing weekly
Take more photos!
Read a new book weekly
Volunteer weekly

UFO, or actually unidentified crashing object

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En route to Albuquerque from San Francisco I was snapping landscape shots and noticed a jet stream heading straight for the mountains! Worried it might be a little plane, I asked the flight attendants to check out my photo and they talked to the pilot. They hadn’t heard anything bad from radio, and mentioned that we had just flown over a restricted airspace so it could be some kind of government experiment. Cool to have captured it either way!

Sing a Song to Yourself!

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I was celebrating my happiness yesterday, and found myself singing the song “La La La” by LMFAO to myself! I found myself dancing at the bus stop and bouncing on the bus, feeling totally happy with myself. I posted this on Facebook and got a request to find a song that a guy could sing to himself…

I found (paradoxically) there are a real shortage of love songs written by women to men! Here’s one by Gwen Stefani that is really sweet, but still doesn’t quite do the job La La La does by LMFAO…in terms of really celebrating a relationship. Still love this song though…the search continues….

“The Real Thing”

I’ve seen your face a thousand times
Have all your stories memorized
I’ve kissed your lips a million ways
But I still love to have you around

I’ve held you too many times to count
I think I know you inside out
And we’re together most days
But I still love to have you around

You’re the one I want and it’s not just phase
You’re the one I trust, our love is the real thing

Don’t go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don’t go away
My lover (my love)
I’m happiest when we spend time

You’re a salty water ocean wave
You knock me down, you kiss my face
I know the storms will always come
But I still love to have you around

Heaven knows what will come next
So emotional, you’re so complex
A rollercoaster built to crash
But I still love to have you around

You’re the one I want and it’s not just phase
You’re the one I trust, our love is the real thing
Don’t go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don’t go away
My lover (my love)
I’m happiest when we spend time (it’s only you and I)

It’s you there when I close my eyes
And you in the morning
I never thought you’d still be mine
Or I’d really need to have you around

Don’t go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don’t go away
My lover (my love)
I need you, you’re my love supply

Don’t go away
My love (you’re my love supply)
I want you to stay
In my life (every day, every night)
Don’t go away
My love (you’re my love supply)
I need you, you’re my love supply

Put that on the Calendar

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Tonight will go down in my history as the night I decided to be happy.

You see, I attended a happiness club meeting tonight. Not only was it a happiness club meeting, it involved guided laughing meditation. And I knew about it when I signed up for it! I’ve known about the San Francisco happiness club for at least a year, maybe longer. I had found Aymee Coget’s business card at the office I work at. I was so intrigued by the title “happiness expert” that I researched her and her group online. However, when I discovered that the club encourages members to COMMIT to be happy, I knew I wasn’t ready for that quite yet, so I went on with my life for a while.

Allow me to explain…

I’ve come a long way in the past year. An unhappy relationship finally met its end last June/July. After 9 years I was free to have the kind of relationship I had always imagined would make me happy. I was lucky enough to meet an amazing person 2 weeks after my relationship ended. He was my perfect “type” on paper, and in real life did not disappoint! I was so HAPPY when I was with him. I smiled constantly, and indulged in my happiness like savoring a dessert, enjoying each and every magical moment.

However, unbeknownst to me, another area of my life was making me unhappy, and that was my business progress. At the beginning of last summer, I undertook a huge expansion of my business (akin to expanding a relationship by getting married!), but it wasn’t working out as I had hoped. I was hitting hurdles left and right, with permitting, finances, and feeling constantly burdened by the daily and weekly tasks the business required. I had a very hard time letting it go for 2 reasons: Hundreds of other people were benefiting from the business staying open; I had the idea that I “needed” the business to go well to be set financially. I was “invested.”

The same 2 men that were responsible for “introducing” me to Aymee Coget and for my new relationship happiness began to challenge me last fall about my “business happiness.” Thank God for friends who want you to be happy and to succeed. I was forced to confront my inaction about my business conflicts and came to the realization that I needed to end my relationship with my business in order to make room for balance and happiness in my life. This was not an easy decision, after 4 years of trying to make the business work out.

Until I made that decision to close my business, however, I had been depending on my new relationship for a lot of my happiness. I became a sort of happiness junkie, and one man became my dealer. When I wasn’t getting enough hits (I wanted them continuously, intravenously if possible!), I panicked and questioned the validity of the relationship. It took me several months later to realize that because of my business preoccupations, I was not able to pursue my own happiness, and had been relying too heavily on my relationship to do that for me. When I finally closed my business in mid-January (and said goodbye to my love interest, who had to return to his home country for some time), I began in full-force the exhilarating process of creating my own happiness again, by living the life I wanted to live, one day and one activity at a time.

Therefore, it is with great pride I am reporting that I am finally feeling ready to own my happiness. With each day I am becoming more and more grounded into myself and the life I am creating. It is more ME, and I can’t wait to see what my life will look like by the end of this year.

To happiness!