The friction
The pain of many needs
At odds
The pain of being separate
And not understanding
The pain of not knowing
Who or what to trust
The pain of believing
When no one else does
The pain of investment
And then letting go
Trying to do it all
Overcommitted
No one believes you
When you say you can’t do it
You’re just lazy
You don’t care
You’re just stupid
All the judgments
Like poison arrow darts
When you’re already wounded on the ground
What kind of karma
Brings this back to me now?
What love have I withheld
To deserve this hell?

It always gets the worst
Before it gets better

Pain motivates change

Sometimes it means letting go
Of something that isn’t working

Hard when you’ve made
An arbitrary commitment
That come hell or high water
You’ll get through it
You’ll just try harder

Hard to admit
It’s not going to work
Especially when others are depending on you

Hard to be honest
About what you can physically handle
Hard to ask others
To make concessions for you

But harder to live with nagging doubts and worries
Harder to bring the whole ship down with you
Harder to stay the same, than to have failed and changed and learned

Even after everything that has recently been revealed to me
I struggle to grasp that we’re the headlining act
And even this admission
Puts me into a circular spiral
I’ve always wanted to share my own spotlight
Not content with being the varsity athlete
The valedictorian
The golden daughter
I got tired of the Christina show

So am I just now projecting
That surely humans can’t be the pinnacle of creation
Just because we think we are
Or just because it’s my struggle?
Though all the prophets told us we are

What if it really wasn’t just about us
And the heights we achieve
Physically
Psychologically
Spiritually

I have a hard time believing that we are more spiritual than a tree
Though I do think we’ve been given a more difficult spiritual challenge
But maybe not?
Even a tree will crush something with its roots just to survive
It will fall and kill anything it crashes on

We have evolved to pull more energy toward ourselves than is sustainable
So does that make us evil?
Should we come back to balance with mother earth?
De-volve?
Or should we ride this evolution to full hilt
Finding more and more energy to consume
Transforming more and more molecules
Traveling farther
Mastering siddhis
Disappearing at will and popping up in another corner of the universe

Is this just an infinite game?