I realized tonight there’s some courage in letting go of what’s not in your best interest. It takes faith in the fact that your best interest will be provided for, at the risk of no provisions in the meantime. It’s saying yes to your future and no to your past. It’s growth. It’s kind of a big deal. And it will have a profound impact on your loved ones.

There are no rules in life, but people like rules because then they can just switch off their brains. But there are signs of success that are easily identifiable, which, because they are small and simple, can also be easily dismissed as unimportant details. Fact one: there are no unimportant details. Fact two: things get complicated when you let them get complicated. Sometimes complicated feels better because you’re not ready yet to make a decision.

I’ve cleared my dance card. And this time it’s going to be a bit harder to get on it. Because I am craving something more satisfying, more worthy of my attention. My standards have been raised.

And always look for patterns: as goes your career, love life also. Patterns can be subtle to detect: don’t be too literal. Your energy permeates everything you bring your attention to, that’s what drives change or stagnation. What are you about? What do you think about? What do you hate? What do you want for yourself?

I think I might start writing down what I hate for three days. As a positive person I am prone to overlooking the negative, which can be informative toward pointing someone toward the positive.

There are some gorgeous fall leaves now on the trees near where I work. I have a new home now too, and I seem to be starting a new chapter/turning a new leaf, etc.

Was just asked to be “friended” on Facebook by someone. I asked them how they knew me. They said they didn’t, but that I had pretty eyes and seemed like a fun person. I refused to friend them. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. I feel like I’m on a higher plane of discrimination now, generally. Won’t live just anywhere, date just anyone, friend just anyone, etc.

I guess I’m still grieving my last relationship too. I was unpacking tonight and came across several meaningful items: a blanket he had bought me in Mexico a couple weeks in (while on a secret date he didn’t bother to mention), a teddy bear from my trip to London, which I “won” at a winter carnival only because the carnie pitied how upset I was about not making enough baskets to win fairly. Then, the tears came with the motorcycle helmet, which was gifted to me for no apparent reason other than his not wanting to have to store it, yet I only used it riding with him. A lot of nice memories came flooding back putting that helmet in my hands: the wind and sun on my skin, my body pressed intimately against his backside, the little massages I ‘d give him at the stop lights, riding over San Francisco hills, the danger, speed, and adventures.

And finally, the hammer shoes he bought me, which symbolized to me that he might finally want to get to know me beyond the fact that I was good in bed and formerly a business owner. *sigh*

I looked out across the San Bruno mountains, in the direction of the Oakland hills, and felt that strong connection, the remaining dopamine, return. I let it clear from my mind, and wondered if he was still letting go in his own way, or if I was already a fuzzy distant memory.