I think something has finally hit home over the past few days. I’m dating a younger man, and I’m very attracted to his optimism and heart. I’ve had a couple very long relationships in which someone’s past was weighing them down every day.

A conversation last night with a friend reminded me that some people just don’t deal with their issues, so they continue to experience problems and trouble for much longer than a person should.

Said a recent boyfriend regarding his last serious relationship: “She dumped me, and I have no idea why.”

In individuals with stunted growth, there is an inability to face the truth/reality of a problematic situation. They seek to avoid suffering the mental processing of why things went badly, and the inevitable changes that will bring, perhaps still reeling from the trauma of the last change.

If you don’t know why your last relationship ended, or why you were fired, it is YOUR responsibility to find out or craft a narrative that places proper responsibility for bad outcomes, while keeping intact a paradigm that involves you thriving in relationships moving forward.

A relationship advice piece I read recently said that one way to tell if you’re dating someone great is that they know why their last relationship ended.

This is important.

Because if you’re stuck in the “I’m not sure why girls don’t like me” train of thought, there is no hope for change. You’ve falsely assumed the worst about yourself: that you are unlovable, or undeserving. And neither of those stories are attractive, so your destiny becomes a self-fulfilled tragedy.

As I recalled my 365-day poetry challenge back in 2009/2010 for my new boyfriend, it reminded me of the utility of journaling daily. My friend Diane brought up patterns recently, and journaling helps you to reflect and recognize patterns of thinking and action that, if not recorded, might go easily forgotten.

I’m leaving for NYC in about 4 hours. It will be my first time there, and it feels like a really big milestone for me. I feel like it is the one crucial part of our country that I have not yet explored (secondarily Chicago and Boston). So a part of me feels like my connection to America will feel more complete with this journey. Deep down, I’m a home-lover. And this country is very strongly my home. I also think visiting this city will help test my newly-stretched boundaries of what being a newcomer feels like. When I first came to San Francisco, the buildings were so tall and uninviting, the people distant and unreachable. The city really intimidated me. Years later, I regularly climb to its peaks with strangers and look down at the tiny buildings and wonder how I ever managed to feel so small and isolated. NY will certainly test that again, and I’m looking forward to it :-)