i feel like a drain pipe
clogged with work
travel
family
and exhaustion
my poems can’t get through
the pressure is building
too many emotions
like inches of water
demanding to flow free
back to the ocean
Yearly Archives: 2015
New York, Take 2
Just thought I should empty the contents of my brain from the last 2 days before I forget them.
My mother flew down to Long Beach (or rather I flew her down) 2 days ago. We went out for a fish lunch, then got our hair cut and colored (her grays covered, my shine restored). During our salon appointment, she was sitting two chairs away from me, and I could observe her from a distance chatting with the stylist. One thing that impressed me was that she was responding to the young woman using facial expressions that I would usually associate with my father. More masculine, less motherly, than I remember. Then I thought to myself, I wonder if this is what living with a partner does to you over 36 years! They become your mirror, and you become more like them by virtue of seeing them so often. It’s probably why couples start to “look alike” after a while.
She was so excited when she called me from the Portland airport after her first flight. It was truly worth the whole trip to hear her sound 20 years younger, for her 60th birthday.
Mom is a chatterbox, and that increases with stress, until she just starts singing. When she’s singing, it’s a form of self-soothing. So, I’m learning her cues better and will try to nip her stress in the bud at the super talkative phase tomorrow. The whole “Just Relax” thing doesn’t work on my bf, and it doesn’t work on her! Sigh.
It’s interesting to study her and to see where some of my traits come from. She is very inquisitive, and quite generous with theories and ideas, good or bad. That seems familiar.
I had to learn to be patient with her nervousness today, since she isn’t familiar with a lot of customs, she gets nervous and asks a lot of questions or tries to solve problems that don’t exist, rather than being able to relax and enjoy the moment.
Dad didn’t answer the phone this morning when she called multiple times, so that made her pretty stressed out today, although she put on a brave face most of the time. She later learned he had an earlier appointment than she thought he had, so all was well.
The people at the hotel are nice and fun to talk to. I had a nice conversation with the innkeeper’s daughter today about working for wealthy people, and what the Hamptons culture is like for the nouveau-riche vs. old money.
I had the best roast beef sandwich of my life at the local bagel shop. And of course I had a mini-bagel which was also fantastic.
We started the day by getting our rental car and driving to the beach to watch the 10-12 foot waves crash in with the storm. That was pretty awesome. Then, we went on a mission to find the country’s oldest Presbyterian church and go thrift store shopping (which turned out to be a bust). We ended up at a nice little museum and my mom and the gift shop keeper (from Missouri) traded stories for some time while I found some amazing lavender hand lotion.
The roads were a bit flooded but nothing too hairy.
We ate half our lunches and saved the rest for our dinners.
Finally, I went alone to a movie tonight: The Martian, with Matt Damon. It was kind of cool that a movie about Mars would name its missions “Aries” 1, 2, 3, etc. (Mars being ruled by Aries). It was a decent movie, and cool to think about how one might use science as a survival skill.
Tomorrow, we explore NYC :-) That will be pretty cool. Hope mom enjoys…
Humans of New York
An article tonight about a dog walker in NYC had me thinking about my priorities tonight.
When I don’t get enough sleep, I have a hard time achieving my goals.
I need to be physically active every day. I need to advance my education and skills daily. If I only have enough energy for my 9-5, I start to hate my life. So, off to bed now, for tonight.
Body talk
A surprising lavender sunset
Reward for working late
Working calmly no matter the stimulus
Overload is like a gun to the forehead
Dying from the outside-in
The death a clue
Self-care
Pushing the boundaries then a surprise recovery day
Sneezing too loud in the atrium
Must be the vitamins
Or the purchase of them
Reflecting on the Weird
It’s possible that it’s not healthy to ponder one’s existence.
But when life gets weird, it’s sort of comforting to know life IS ultimately weird and unexplainable.
Marinating in the weird.
We are wired to action.
We are wired to growth.
We invented capitalism and yoga.
We are a parasite.
Knowing that right actions yield right results. Spotting the inauthenticity.
We have cravings, desires, needs, fears.
Did we ever live in balance with nature? An idle mind is the devil’s playground, and a lot of us have too much leisure.
Fast
Today I finished day 5 of a limeade fast. I drank only lemonade or limeade made from fresh-squeezed fruits with grade B maple syrup and filtered water all week.
Day 1 I was sipping consistently to keep satiated and hydrated, and I easily went through 16+ cups. The past few days I over-concentrated the drink, which was delicious, but meant I was taking fewer drinks–about half as much. It also started burning out my vocal chords from the acidity. My voice was really high-pitched that day, and crackly the next day.
I dialed it in by going back to 2 limes or lemons, which is about 1/4 C of liquid, to 1/4 C syrup, then 8 C water.
Anyway, I was a bit delirious by the end of the second day. I also worked nonstop about 9.5 hours that day so it didn’t help matters. However, today I feel oddly fine, like this is just my new lifestyle. All food smells really really good. One issue I had was I came home for a nap after work, and I was pretty disoriented when R came home. I sat up, but was confused when he tried to kiss me as it felt too ticklish on my lips.
Side note: I’ve also been resolving not to pick at my skin or hair this week.
I was using a straw at first so as not to over-acidize my teeth, but it wasn’t really working, so I resorted to buying and chewing gum to help balance my oral chemistry. Interestingly, when you go a while without eating, the jaw gets weaker, so this may counteract that.
But, so far this cleanse (not a fan of that word) has had zero impact on these mysterious skin bumps/bites I’ve been getting, so it may be time to break the fast, since hat was my entire objective. I do feel I could go another five days, but I’m not sure of the advantages at this point. I’ve gotten back a little self-control, at the expense of dropping a little brain function (according to R).
Virgo Girl
Had a cavity filled for the first time in 10 years, and the 2nd time ever.
Keep getting told that I grind my teeth by dentists. I caught myself the other day sliding my clenched teeth over each other to the rhythm of a song, like some kind of weird percussion instrument. I caught myself a few times in one day, which means I probably do it a lot.
I’m feeling the Virgo energy on this first day of Virgo. I’m getting very embodied, and hitting my experiments hardcore again.
This morning I did 1 hr of yoga before work, wore two of the same Rx contact lenses as an experiment (-1.25 I think), and juice-fasted all day.
R wants to know when my fast will be over. I told him my body will let me know. Typical signs are constant peeing, and a clear tongue.
I’m continuing to break out with “bug bites,” while R has ceased. I’m thinking it may be some kind of staph infection, so I’m hoping my fast will work its typical magic in starving out the bad bugs in my body. Anyway, a few days without overeating, caffeine, and sugar can’t do me any harm.
Living with a Bias
Living with a bias
Study your brain
Know that whatever you think
Comes from a fire internal
Constantly burning
Citius, Altius, Fortius
Through the ages
Faster, Higher, Stronger
Sensitivity
Is the mother of intelligence
But survival goes to the fittest
Not the smartest
Not the wisest
And many will cry, “No more pollution!”
And many will cry, “No more poison!”
But the engines will turn
Because
Faster, Higher, Stronger
Even when there are no more mountains
No more enemies
Nothing left to destroy
The sensitive will say “no”!
And die of the poisons.
The rich get so high
The world becomes Disneyland
New dreams to ignite
And we throw our money into a web
Which takes us down a million tunnels
Full of funhouse mirrors
And new worlds to create
Because like a lover
We miss our better halves
But we came here alone and we’ll leave here alone
And we’ll remember ourselves with fondness
Gods or saints or benevolent rulers
We practice again and again
And the winners write the history books
So the arc of the moral universe
Is a painting in progress
And surely it will bend toward justice
Or whatever we are in the mood for
4th of July
Noticing that this time of year brings me courage and resolve
Keeping in mind the rules of thumb: relaxing the body can reduce stress, just as stress can tense the body
The breakthrough: I have a pattern of recklessness — living on the edge. Pushing myself too far. Failing too often. Not practicing self-care. No buffers. No backups. Time to adjust. Time to become sustainable.
Feeling grateful for a partner. A super dance partner.
Realizing to be a artist you must simply make art. Most won’t.
Realizing I’m a late bloomer. Assuming I bloom. My life may be the blossom.
Grateful to be an American. Part of the Great Experiment.
Hoping I can become more conscious, more rooted, more me.
Realizing what poor shape I am in, and what it takes to sustain bodily discipline.
Committed.
Curious about economic growth. Wondering if capitalism is merely a function of resources. As resources become more scarce, maybe socialism and communism make more sense. Maybe resources are becoming more scarce.
Marathon of Obstacles
Noticing how life’s work is the solving of many little obstacles. Being an assistant, I do this many many times a day. An entire day can be lost or won depending on how each small battle turns out. Today was a marathon.