One good thing about moving is the opportunity to go through your valued possessions and reminisce. I rediscovered some of my old journals from high school & college. One entry in particular caught my attention, mostly because I don’t remember writing it. I will share the following notes, scribbled passionately on 2 folded pieces of paper and stuffed into a journal. The theme was decidedly Love & Hate (the pictures are from my recent trip to Montana). Only looking back could I see that it wasn’t really about love/hate (it also gives you an idea of the neurotic way I will analyze something that is bothering me)!

Hate:
Inseparably intertwined with love
Objects of love become objects of hate
Nail biting, stomach churning, teeth gnashing fury from within
Hate is only as strong as its polar opposite, love, once was
Hate & Love are both supressed for reasons of uncertainty
Both are powerful and intimidating, especially to the bearer.
Hate can drive a man to accomplish when used as fuel
Hate is the difference between what one expects and what one gets.
How, then, does one control hate?
Should one control hate?
“Choose your battles” must apply
Does the admirable man ignore small hates? Large ones?
Is hate an option?
When someone does something unexpected in a manner which defies your system of what ought to be done by others, are you justified in hating the act?
What other choices are available?
What is important is how the hate is expressed/supressed/dealt with
Ignoring acts which are hated leads to inner turmoil and self-questioning. A man in disharmony with himself can not participate in rational decision-making. Supressing hated acts is a form of self-doubt, and does not lead to resolution of the past mind with the present mind.
Lashing out against the object of hate is the most violent way to deal–it is always intrusive upon the hatee, and is usually fruitless.
Why do I bottle my hates? Why can’t I lay them on the table; a contribution to humanity: Here is my set of values–what do you think about them?
A need for control? Is it insecurity about what I value? Is it a short-term escape from confrontation? Because I bottle-I expect others to bottle-when I have something to say, I expect that you have something you are also not sharing with me. A deep, engrained need/want for security/peace/harmony causes me to compromise my values (which themselves change so fast in my college years, it makes my head spin in confusion).

Love:
By analyzing love, can we learn about hate?
“The need to love & be loved”
Does forgiveness play a role in the control of hate?
Forgiveness: Reconciling the difference between what you expected and what you got. Is forgiveness kin to suicide? The miniature murdering of the way one feels?
Hate is the strongest feeling one may entertain when one does not get what one expects.
Hating others is a form of self-hate:
The only thing we really have is our consciousness: “Your level of expectation determines the limits of your reality.”
Expectations are based on one’s entire life experience; they involve every aspect of one’s life. When those expectations for others are not met, the first attack is on the hater – “Was/Is my level of consciousness inadequate? Why did I expect that if it was not to be?”
If hate is determined by a level of expectation, what can we rationally expect from others?
Is complete forgiveness possible?
Trust is built on fulfilled expectations.