I feel like I’ve been given a hard path
Maybe my siblings do too
We spent 18 years learning how our family line survives
Then we met the world
And sometimes that world
Is so very, very different
And we do what they did
And it doesn’t work
Forced to make our own way
On the things that really matter
Love, money, work
Full of doubt
Insecure
Unprepared
Fighting demons
No support
And we stomp
And we cling
And we stomp
And we let go
And we stomp
And we cry
And we stomp
On the shoulders of our ancestors
As we push their ignorance and mistakes
Into their graves
So that we have a chance to survive

Ug. The cycles of diving in and staying out.
I still want to dive in and out at will
My will is strong and I need a flexible partner
A stable, dependable partner
Someone to make my ride smoother
I give it enough jolts on my own
How can I reconcile
Devouring and staying shallow?
Deep connection with total freedom?
My zero to sixty in 0.8 seconds?

Need more energy in MY work
Not in sorting out his girlfriends
He doesn’t understand that
Won’t see it from my side

How can I possibly feel balanced
Walking a tightrope
Blindfolded
No net
First try

It’s too much to ask
Of this girl at this time
Let me find a new project
One that saps half my lust
Then I can feel more stable
More willing to engage
I’m a full rev engine and no wheels to spin

You’re not helping with the toothbrush
You won’t make the big changes
To accommodate my chaos
It’s too early in your opinion
Plus you like your life now
But it doesn’t work for me
In my state of non-productivity

So kindly hold your tongue
And stop being such a prick
And remember why you love me
When I tell you what I need
Even if you can’t provide it
Even if you don’t like what you hear.

It’s all too confusing
Just gotta keep writing
They’re telling me to do more
Just found peace in doing less
Too afraid I’ll be manic
Want money for money
I’m a purist at heart
Just wanna do good
Sick of the pressure
It doesn’t feel helpful
I’m trying to be
The best person I can
I’m bored with the old games
Of fufilling self-interest
Need something more than
Extra piles of cash

The trust has been broken
And I don’t know whether to stay
They say follow your intuition
But I don’t know what that means

All I feel are chemicals
Emotions lead me astray
They make me feel violent
They make me feel sad

If I listen to my heart
It says love at all costs
Love when trust gets broken
Love unconditionally
Love until it hurts
Don’t stop loving ever

Can’t trust my own reasoning
This, then consequence
Lawyer and judge
Evidence and hearsay

I don’t trust others
Their experience is not mine
Just becomes more data
Too much to compute!

I don’t trust my feelings
Been angry too long
I don’t trust my logic
It doesn’t fit the structure

Don’t wanna run away
There’s too much to love here
All that remains is love
And that’s a commitment

Oh, the delirious pride that comes before a fall
If you can’t speak with calmness
You’re not really angry
You’re hurt
You’re an animal
Feral and all claws
Fierce and ugly
Protecting the life that’s not yours to begin with
And now you know where you really stand
And it’s two steps back

Now I’m aware
Of the first release of panic chemical
And the troubling thoughts that follow
And I know now to put my love filter in
And start using my words
To create harmony in my environment
Because people who don’t use their words
Control and manipulate
By force or by silence and distance
But we know love won by control
Is not won at all
It will flee at the first open door

And all this talk about Laws of Attraction
Has me thinking…
There has to be a way to ask for what you need/desire
In a prayerful spirit
Like the religions teach
Without any desire to control the outcome
With a respectful appreciation of the myriad forces
Which desire mutually beneficial outcomes

Because if you don’t trust that your environment can support you
It will be a battle
And you will not win.

The calm after the storm
Writing down so I remember
How control seeps into every crack of your day
If you forget to just love
Smiling at a stranger to control them
Under the guise of “helping”
Then the judgements that follow
I might seem crazy
But I do know why
And I’m trying every day
To erase the programming
My nine year old self built
To keep me safe from violence

The words
And the misunderstandings
And how much is enough
To push you over the edge
Are we growing or feeding dysfunction
Is it love or fear that keeps us together
Is it love or fear that keeps us apart

People among the trees
Confused about how much junk food it takes
To knock a few years off your life
And life is so long
After dementia
For everyone
Caring for each other
Long before we’re ok and long after
With a lot of freedom in the middle
To taste the dimensions of our world
The contours of a lover’s body
The electricity that flows between
Exploring the structures that surround us
Seeing patterns and delights
Building and destroying
Loving and leaving
A dance of DNA through the ages.

What are these drugs
That make my emotions simple
And tell me that I love you
Why such an epic love
Like a glacier
Far beneath the surface
Revealing just the tip

Back again, as though I never left
Still does not compute
Begs a new definition
Is it this?
Is it that?
Enough

Why can’t it just be a European romance
No plans and no promises
Things work out so beautifully and perfectly
And you just dance
Until the song ends
Then you part when it stops working
Unceremoniously as it began
And thank God that you had what you had

While someone watching the movie version cries
Crying
For things that aren’t forever
And things that aren’t perfect
And things that aren’t safe
Wishing to be,
Themselves,
Beyond human.