I must trust the expanding waves
The ones that pull on my heart
Begging it to free itself
I must smother the contracting waves
The ones that set the hamster spinning
Flinging worry and fear
Still learning who to trust
Who to listen to
Inside my head
More than ever
I need the company of my heart
When visiting that booby-trapped, overgrown jungle

They’re so full of lies
The angry prisoners of this world
Their minds are mush
They were bitten by zombies
And on they go recruiting in misery

I’ve been bitten so many times
When I thought I was safe
By parents, friends, teachers,
Professors, coaches, lovers

We get sick sometime after
Can’t figure out why we feel bad
The toxin is multiplying
Feeding off our fears

It’s a lifelong mission
To surface and purge the venom
And to keep your mouth shut
Your teeth to yourself
Especially around children
Until the pain subsides

Deeply present
With the nothingness I felt in her
The profound sense of a today
That’s been violently shook of its yesterday and tomorrow
A blank canvas
A swept room
A register at zero
An orphan, a widow
A traveler in a vast landscape
Not ready to dream
Still grieving my murders
The children I’ve drowned
The lessons I’ve learned
Never felt so naked
In front of the world
Never wanted so badly
To find out who I am

With my eyes closed
I saw into my large body
Seven semi trailer trucks
Lined along a highway
Along a meadow
Along a river
I awed and thrilled in the enormity
The spaciousness inside
I thought I knew about my size
By looking at things outside

Deeply alone and happy
Is where I’ve found them
The rare kindreds, looking knowingly
Into my eyes with timeless recognition
Mostly children, animals
A rare free-spirit at the bus stop
It’s an off-season in this national park
Spacious, quiet bliss
Must be present to win in this raffle
And I’m getting all the gifts

My dreams are like the sun
Strong
And I’ve visited a million breath-taking
Heart-melting
Color-rich scenes
Hot with vivid intensity
Though I lived too long in the comfortable cool shade, sticking a hand or foot into the light for a recharge.
But I know now
My home is in the sky
Warmed by the fire of my dreams’ actions
I can live every day where eagles fly
Where birds sing
High in perspective
And where the clouds go to melt, so they can give themselves away

Hallucinating tiny people
Wearing grey suits
With stripes of flashing neon
Dancing around to no music
Tripping off chocolate raisins and popcorn
My life is my center
My life is my center
My life is my center
My life is my center
They're all in on it
I see that now
Everyone smiling from their
Normally concealed
Recessed caves
When I call out the Divine in them
Like magic
The Divine takes over
And greets me

My soul feels no older or wiser
Only less trapped
In this body

Less limited, restricted
More free to be moved by the currents
That feed us and surprise us
More able to see things clearly
Less colored by my fears

I've entered a land of wonder and praise
And thanksgiving
For all that is

I wasn't the little girl
Who dreamed of a big white wedding
Or planned her colors
Her flowers
Her bridesmaids

I just remember
Asking God
To prepare a good man for me

Cruising the curves of 280
Your dark shadow
Aeroplane
Passed over me
Low and rumbling
My breathing quickened
My cells lifted
Trembled in ecstasy
And settled back onto my bones