How to Love

Some great quotes from today’s church service, delivered by author and Reverend Jan Christian (quote authors not all known!):

“Going back can change the way we go forward.”

“Violence arises when we don’t know what to do with our suffering. If you don’t transform your pain, you’ll transmit your pain.”

“It is our suffering that connects us as a human family.”

“The beginning of love is to accept others as they are, and not to twist them to fit our own image.”

“Do you want to be right or do you want a relationship?”

“We are hungry, are we not, for safe spaces to speak from the heart. Places where we do not rush to judge, to fix, to blame.”

“Give up our need to approve or disapprove.”

“In many ways we let our attachment to being right be more important to our relationships and connection to each other.”

“Listen with compassion to others.”

“Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Go love one another, as I have loved you.’ That’s it.”

“We need not think alike to love alike.”

“If you cannot sing like angels, if you cannot speak before thousands, you can give from deep within you. You can change the world with your love.” Sally Rogers

Ideas and Orgasms

Here’s my list of ideas I don’t have time to pursue, in case you want one. No guarantees they don’t already exist though:

“Digital Estate”: a company that collects all your family’s digital photos and uses face recognition software to tag and label them into categories, and organizes/stores all your digital documents that will be family keepsakes.

“Health Ensurance”: a company that takes your monthly monies and gives you access to fitness memberships, all preventative care, healthy food stamps, vitamins, alternative health options, sleep trackers for lower rates, etc…

One-way Zip scooters (like ZipCars)

“Urban Farming Pots”: a company that will hook you up with your own organic veggie garden in pots/tubs, maybe will come by to maintain it for a small fee if needed and help you manage surplus/lack amongst your neighbors

“Political Living Room” a website where friends can gather to discuss current events/politics and rally behind common causes

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TMI Warning:
And now for the orgasm portion. I announced several months back that I was setting a goal of orgasm within 5 minutes of sex. It was an ambitious goal at the time, but I believe it has been achieved (can’t say I was looking at a clock to be honest) within reason. Achieved sober but the breakthrough was crucially informed by an altered state of mind. It was truly an international effort and I’d like to acknowledge Northern California, England, and Italy natives for their respective contributions along the way. ;-) And Google, like this article. It’s true, kids, being in your 30s is awesome.

Goodbye San Francisco: Shyness and Bravery

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“Goodbye San Francisco…as always, I wish I hadn’t been so shy…unrealized adventures…I’ll be braver next time!”

A great big guy sat next to me on the BART tonight. He smelled terrific, like clean and just a light, slightly sweet scent. I felt like telling him, “Wow! You smell terrific!”. Then this little voice told me all the reasons I shouldn’t say anything to him. I obliged at first, then got brave. “Thank you!” He said proudly, “It’s an oil, Happy by Clinique.” He was like a big teddy bear.

During my brief silent pause, I thought of the woman(?) who wrote the above words on a bathroom wall I photographed last week (Philz Coffee, Mission). Reflecting on my six years in the city, I’ve become quite brave (reference Folsom Street Fair and this year’s Pride Parade), but I can always be braver. We can all be braver in pursuit of a life lived without regrets of what we could have experienced if we hadn’t been so shy.

I lost a bit of my natural ability to connect with people living in the city and riding bus in the Mission all the time. After a couple times trying to chat with people who didn’t speak English or just ignored me, I probably went into my shell a bit more than felt natural. I’m getting back to my old self slowly but surely, and it feels great :)

Even met a Bozeman family transplant today at church and a Canadian on the BART.

Excelsior! (Ever upward)

Berkeley Musings

I think I may have moved to the one place in the US more magical than San Francisco: Berkeley

I’m so thrilled by my life right now: the beautiful parks perfect for picnicking and cartwheels, less than a block away. The sidewalk tiles containing poetry and inspirational quotes. Food from every delicious corner of the world within walking distance. The spaciousness of my new house, its huge closet with organizers, my extra-long jacuzzi bathtub. The windows can be left open every night for fresh air. Like it was made for me :-)

I began thinking about this as I noted how many homeless people I see on the way to the BART stations. It made me think for a minute: why does San Francisco and Berkeley “allow” so many homeless and mentally unstable people to live openly on its streets? Part of me questions whether there is really no momentum for change: in a true “La-La Land”, perhaps people are so well-off they become indifferent to the struggles of those much less fortunate, as if they are so far removed from that suffering, that it no longer pulls on the heartstrings as a worthy politcial/social cause.

Or, rather, perhaps it is just the open and tolerant nature of the residents, to “Live and Let Live,” giving the homeless the “freedom” to live as they wish to live, assuming the chronically homeless have chosen and prefer their way of life. When you adopt an attitude of personal responsibility, it can become difficult to perceive anyone as a victim of their circumstances. We are either masters or slaves to our destiny, and perhaps we are living amongst many masters.

Alternatives to Dressing up like a Villain and Shooting People

Not sure what to do with your life?

1) Make a list of everything you want to change about the world. Go ahead. Be brave.

2) Find the schools/resources/institutions/people that can help you knock a couple things off that list.

Don’t get so pigeonholed into one thing that you think your only other option is dressing up like a villain and shooting people. Be adaptable.

Society sometimes tells us we have to go college and get a good job. That message is a little too simple for young people these days. We need to explore what it is we want to change about the world and work TOGETHER to make good stuff happen.

Here’s my first list. What’s on yours?:
http://www.eachlittlemystery.com/going-somewhere/

My Theory on Perfect Men: Scoring with a “10”!

It took me 32 years to figure this out, so listen up young ones ;-)

Having had the amazing opportunity to be intimate with two men over the past year that I would rate a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10, I learned a couple things from the experiences.

First of all, you don’t have to be perfect to score a perfect ten! Why not? Because they have already met a perfect ten! These are people with high sexual attraction energy. People gravitate to them. They have already met women/men with the perfect bodies, their equals, and it’s even possible that they are probably already bored of him/her! Think about it: once you have found someone who perfectly complements you physically, where would you go from there? Variety!

The person you think is so perfect doesn’t care that you’re not that perfect specimen. You might just have that one feature that rates highly for them and that is enough. It takes the pressure off you. You can just be yourself (a good policy in general!).

A perfect ten often has personality flaws related to the fact that everyone wants to be with them all the time. They sometimes use defense mechanisms to protect themselves from unwanted attention, so they may appear somewhat insecure, combative, or controlling, or the opposite, they may just be very promiscuous to deal with their abundant sexual energy. What would you do if everyone desired you all the time? :)

I’ve found that the women who are with perfect tens are usually a little insecure and therefore a bit (or a lot) controlling of their mate. They may try themselves to maintain their perfect physical status and this can be a full-time job! Imagine how difficult it would be to be with someone who everyone else also desires. They may try to put strict or looser rules around their mate’s behavior as a coping mechanism for jealousy instincts. I imagine there are perfect ten couples out there who have found a way to exist in total trust and freedom, but I haven’t come across it yet.

Let me know if you have experience with this, thanks!

Sleep, Affection

I took a 4.5-hour nap this afternoon. I knew I felt tired this weekend but I didn’t know I was THAT tired! This was after sleeping nearly 10 hours last night as well…looking back at my sleep journal, I had been running a deficit all but one night the past 2 weeks so I guess I had it coming. My friend Dimitry has logged his sleep hours for the past few years and can predict illness a few days out from sleep loss. I have not been actually sick all year so far, which I credit to my insistence on taking crazy naps when I feel tired.

I’ve been reading Cesar Millan’s “Cesar’s Way”, about dog training (the Dog Whisperer). What he says about giving affection to animals is really relevant to human relationships as well. I realized today I’ve done a disservice in some of my dating in the past couple of years by not asking certain men what they need/what they’re looking for before showering them with affection. I suppose this is out of insecurity that they might say “not you!”. But wouldn’t that be nice to know up front? :)

“Love is not meant to enhance instability. Love is meant to reward stability, to take us to a higher level of communication. Just like in the human world, in the dog world love means something only if it is earned.” That Cesar is a smart man.

Thrive

If your intentions are good, that is, if what you desire in life benefits not only you but those around you, it is in the best interest of those around you to help you get what you want. Life supports life. Thriving is built into our DNA. Mother Nature may not care and could toss you curveballs, but people around you will experience success if you experience success. Therefore, don’t let yourself play small. Your desires, by the way, are never just your own. They are a function of you and a function of society’s wishes for you. So let others help and support you in chasing your dreams. That is the opposite of selfish. That is the opposite of greedy. That’s living.

Word.

Today’s Themes: 6-Packs, Sluts, Divorce, Idleness

I’m not sure I’ve blogged much about my romantic life in the past 2 years, except copious, vague poetry. Suffice it to say after six years I’ve somewhat “adapted” to the San Francisco dating scene. And by “adapted”, I mean totally changed the way I think about relationships.

Was talking with an old friend in Montana this morning about how San Francisco is this kind of exciting urban environment where a lot of people come to play, and not as many come to stay. Many are attracted to the startup atmosphere, the hopes of striking it big with a good idea, and catapulting one’s wealth and/or social status with a couple years of hard work. A lot of foreigners (outside the US) come to play the game, come for the perceived opportunities to be had in a money-flush urban environment.

The impact this has on dating is what one of my born-and-raised local hikers referred to as the “Six-Pack” dating strategy. You have six guys you are dating, and chances are you’ll get to see one every few days, while the rest are off exploring their myriad other opportunities, and/or moving away/leaving the country. It’s a Player atmosphere. This is quite different than the Millionaire Matchmaker’s version of finding and locking down your potential mate and insisting on no sex before monogamy. A girl has needs after all, and I’ve found that although you can take a big risk after 1 or 2 months and attempt to go into stage 3 lockdown monogamy mode, it’s simply impractical mostly in this environment. ESPECIALLY if you are still exploring yourself as a human being and re-learning how to function in relationships. I’ve found multiple relationships to be really really helpful in getting to know myself better and ultimately, increasing my overall happiness and capabilities to set boundaries and expectations that align with said happiness.

As synchronicity would have it, as I was leaving the morning coffee shop conversation, the local talk radio program was doing a feature on self-proclaimed “sluts”. Why are you being “slutty”, what’s your motivation for having more casual relationships, etc. as opposed to being faithful to just one partner. It was mostly people calling in to say how many partners they have and why. And there was a wide spread in motivations: Someone angry at an ex and having “revenge sex”, some declared they were just horny, most trying to cover it up in some way, hoping the partners wouldn’t find each other out, for example. Of course shame would be expected of someone calling in to self-proclaim themselves a slut. As a high point in the feature, the winner was the least shameful of them all, a human sexuality college major who had 5 lovers, works in a sex shop, and is a bondage model.

But besides him, it was mostly just pathetic. There are no meaningful conversations taking place about any appropriate relationships outside of marriage/monogamy, and that’s sad and I think hurtful. Most people need to date a lot to find a partner who will complement them well. This can be a scary process at first, but the more you open up and let go of your fears and patterns that don’t serve you, the easier it gets, and the more likely you will be to learn what you really need and consequently get your needs met. With all the divorce in the world right now, divorcees and people coming out of long-term relationships need dating strategies that work in the new era. Divorce sucks. I just spent 4 days helping a neighbor file 4 years of divorce proceedings. Totally depressing.

People should not be afraid of pursuing multiple relationships, but there needs to be honesty and communication. The relationships that don’t fit will naturally atrophy, and those that are strong will thrive. It’s a more organic way of dating — planting seeds, and seeing which ones, with the help or curse of the environment they are planted in, will thrive over time. That is likely to earn one more longer-lasting love I think. And at the very least, more authentic relationships. Of course, women on loudly-ticking biological clocks will fight this strategy. But as the oldie goes: “You can’t hurry love, you just have to wait. Love don’t come easy, it’s a game of give and take.”

And speaking of being in a hurry, the other theme today was idleness vs. busyness. I was fortunate to spend the entire morning playing with kids and the afternoon canoeing on a lake and sleeping in a hammock. And it was awesome. PM shared this great NYT article about society’s trend of keeping everyone very busy, as if busy is a positive indicator of success somehow. From children to adults, our lives easily become over-scheduled, and idle time is seen as a luxury. I know for a fact my last week before coming to Montana was over-scheduled and as a result I started hating my life. I will be striving to return to California with the aim of limiting my scheduled activities to 2 or maybe 3 a day, max. When idle time becomes zombie time, that’s often a good indicator that the TOO BUSY line has been crossed.

Here’s a reference to a poem I wrote earlier this year, my first attempt to say WHY people are so busy: http://www.eachlittlemystery.com/no-kiss/

To greater happiness…

Taking back our power: What families and small businesses should learn from the failures of Wall Street

I’d like to start this essay with compassion. Collectively, we’ve been through a lot of financial turbulence in the 80 years following the Great Depression. Rebounding from a period of austerity, easy access to credit in recent years overextended most families and individuals beyond our means, just as subsidized food has expanded waistlines.

With many people living on the brink of financial ruin, it may be time to stop pointing fingers of blame at the 1%, and rather point the finger of curiosity: What can we learn from the very public meltdown of Wall Street, and how can we use that information to take back our power on Main Street? I believe the following three lessons will help families and small businesses get back on track toward financial health:

1. The Danger of Money Illusions and Spending Money Before you Have It

We can learn a lot from the failure of brokerage firm MF Global in 2011. CEO and former lawmaker Jon Corzine took over this firm when it was struggling and in the red (like many families are today). In order to try and turn the company around, he started placing bets on complicated derivative products, which were unique in that they enabled his business to show profit on the accounting side before any actual profits materialized. This made his company appear healthy and robust to outside investors and regulators, who continued to support the company’s efforts. Meanwhile, the CEO was involved in an obscenely risky gamble involving 6 billion dollars of the company’s already troubled assets in unapproved overseas markets and sovereign debt derivatives.

So how does this at all relate to what an individual might experience at home? When your personal finances are in the red, you eagerly anticipate the next influx of cash, whether this is a salaried paycheck or some other income payment. You are the CEO in charge of bringing your family’s finances back into the black. It might be a sure bet, or there might be some risk as to when you will receive the next cash influx, or how much you will receive. The amount of confusion around the amount of money you will receive and when is similar to having a derivative product on your hands.

When you think you have money coming in, and feel pressure to meet financial obligations, you tend to make worse assumptions and take higher risks than you otherwise might. You also take more risks than a large business might, because it is likely that no one is looking over your “accounting” at all to regulate you. You might subconsciously inflate your income in your head, or assume you have more money coming in than you actually do, or sooner than it actually will, and you might feel pressured to spend the money before it arrives, maybe by taking out a “payday loan”, or by spending up to the amount you think you are going to have on “necessities” or perceived priorities, or buy things on credit believing your ship is coming in.

The confusion around it all is somewhat comforting, because you don’t actually WANT to face how much money you owe or how much is coming in. But this almost always causes you to spend more and earlier than you ought to, digging yourself further into debt.

On the small business, side, I believe that Groupon (and its competitors) has become wildly successful off the backs of small business owners who are not skilled in keeping business accounts in the black and are hungry for a risky quick-fix. A Groupon-type deal can be seen as a way to influx a failing (harsh but true) business with cash to give it the illusion of solvency. It is a sure bet that not all the customers who buy the deal will redeem their certificates, so the business gets the illusion of having made a profit before any actual transaction has occurred with a client. This can and has caused businesses to take even higher risks, rather than solve their cash flow issues, leading many businesses to ultimately go out of business sooner than they might have trying to charge full price for their services.

To break the downward spiral of debt accumulation, one must simply stop spending money before one has it in the account, period. This removes temptation for more risky bets and actions, and shifts the focus toward money-making.

Ultimately, such derivative products as invested in by MF Global are becoming more and more regulated/banned. We learned that we need to know the details of financial investments so that actual risk can be made apparent to investors or those that entrust their money to others.

Individuals can do the same by insisting on a personal discipline of only acting on money that is already 100% cleared in their accounts. Once an individual is financially healthy again, transparent risk-taking can be responsibly added back into the equation.

 

2. Inappropriately borrowing from internal accounts instead of making money or cutting back

In the case of MF Global, the company likely did not have enough capital to cover the investments that were being made. Inevitably, the money had to come from somewhere, and what was found was evidence of internal borrowing – called internal repo – where a brokerage firm can borrow money internally from another part of the firm. In addition, according to a Frontline investigation, “Investigators are now trying to determine if in those last desperate days, MF Global executives intentionally transferred customer money to JPMorgan to meet a margin call from the bank.”

Debtors living on the brink of ruin become extremely resourceful about consuming every available resource toward their debt and needs. No accounts are left alone. If a home has equity, it gets spent. If a credit card is found with a lower interest rate, balances are shifted around accounts to make the debt appear less burdensome. But it’s all just a futile game. The mind in debt has been trained to look backward and around for money, and not forward to new sources.

This is resourcefulness as a vice. Instead of reaching outside to investors for capital, a company will suck every already available resource to make a financial play. A person will “borrow” from their 401K or retirement accounts to make ends meet somewhere else, borrow from a friend or family member, take money out of a savings account, or drain some other account which has temporarily been granted “low priority.”

Taken to another level, it’s like borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. It’s the same kind of thinking that led to the ruin of Bernie Madoff and his investors. On a psychological level, part of it is acting like a rogue, not being willing to ask for help when it is needed, and taking on too much risk without having an end-game. Part of it is defining your resources too narrowly, and not thinking outside the debtor’s box.

In December 2011, the CFTC banned internal repo as a viable financial practice for companies. Individuals should do the same.

Do not take on new expenditures if it means taking from other accounts available to you which you have already designated for other purposes.

Ever.

 

3. Giving Away Your Power: Ignoring or Delegating Financial Decisions

Wrapped up in all the financial turmoil we’ve experienced in the recent Wall Street crises is the idea that we trusted people to manage our money, manage our financial system, and that they “failed us.” There’s a lot of blame going on. There’s a lot of talk about the 1%, about bailout regrets, about taxing the rich, making them pay their “fair share.”

CEO’s have multiple zeros beyond their employee’s paychecks. The richest citizens are obscenely rich compared to the average family’s income. Health care is no longer controlled by doctors or patients, but by the insurance companies who have been entrusted with dealing with the financial side of the business. This is serious stuff. It seems everyone knows someone who is struggling because the retirement money they entrusted someone else to manage straight up evaporated.

There’s an elephant in this room, and it’s wearing a suit and tie. No one is asking, “Why have we given all of our money to other people to manage in the first place?”

There is a lot of ignorance out there regarding money, and excuses for why we don’t take responsibility for our own financial success. People will say, “I’m not good with numbers,” “I don’t understand investing,” or “Taxes are too complicated.” I think there is something deeper going on here. Where there is great resistance, there are great lessons to be uncovered. I think money is so deeply tied up with our basic needs for safety, security, housing, food, love, and appreciation, that we are afraid of what our ability to handle money might say about us. So we don’t even try. If someone else fails us, we can sit back with no responsibility and blame them for their shortcomings.

The first step back to financial health is a sense of responsibility, then awareness, then education.

A person must be willing to open their bills, to look at financial statements, to start keeping accurate records. There’s nothing wrong with consulting with someone for their expertise, but at the point where you relinquish responsibility for the outcome, you have given too much of your power away.

I believe that if our economy is going to turn around, it has to happen one individual at a time, in our personal economies. There is no savior coming. No change of parties in the White House can make this happen. It starts with us.

Christina McKinstry is a San Francisco coach and small business owner coming back from bankruptcy in 2011.