Me: My credit score is not great. I’ve had a bankruptcy. Maybe I’ll go home and spruce it up a bit first and come back.

New car saleswoman: Oh honey, I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. It would take an awful lot to impress me the way the economy has been the past few years. I’ve seen it all.

—–
Me: if my cat were an Olympian, what sport would she play?

Aud: Volleyball. She’s good at swatting. And don’t you have to be kind of sneaky to play volleyball?

Paranoia is the compiling of and focus on observed synchronous factors in support of a fear-based hypothesis.

Cleaning my room today, found this “birthday card” a stranger in a coffee shop made for me and came over to my table to deliver.

Inside: “From M & L”

Awesome.

Whoever you are :)

So I was at my friend’s house the other day, recounting a story about how I had stayed with a boy for nine days overseas, and how trying it was, considering I had NEVER been overseas really (with someone I was very attracted to) and NEVER had “lived” with someone for more than five days in a row.

After getting over her shock that a woman of 32 years had never lived with a man for more than 5 days, she proposed that, perhaps, it explained the importance I place on having as much quality bedtime with a lover as possible. Perhaps, I’m in the habit of devouring someone as soon as I see them, because I’m basically a love anorexic who spent at least nine years in a long-distance relationship, creating a pattern of periods of no physical contact interspersed with periods of intense affection. In fact, that was a pattern in most of my relationships after the first serious one in college (that broke my heart!).

There may be something to that. Someone asked me the other day if I think I have intimacy issues. That was a tough question to answer, mostly because I feel I am a very open-hearted person with a lot of love to give, and I’m always trying to be more honest and assertive in my relationships. But the fact that I keep finding myself in (and accepting) relationships which fall into a pattern I may be used to from childhood (daddy issues? starting in junior high, dad used to go away for 2+ weeks at a time to work and come home for a couple of days) makes me wonder if there isn’t something I find familiar and comforting about the drought/intensity scenario.

I guess I need long-distance rehab or something! HELP!!

But I just turned a boy down who couldn’t see me at all for 4 weeks, so I think I’m making progress, haha.

I don’t want to overanalyze this (I just realized that the word “analyze” contains “anal”, haha, over-digested), but if I really do want someone who is going to make love to me twice a day, I should stop accepting relationships that provide that once every 3-4 weeks. But….I dunno. Part of me is enjoying getting to know myself via seeing different people (different mirrors), which requires you having the SPACE to see other people, i.e. NOT making love to the same person twice a day. So, basically, I need something inbetween, so maybe I’m right where I need to be.

I hate my brain sometimes. But love my life. Life is amazing.

Valeted cars tonight in one of the wealthiest neighborhoods in town, near the Getty residence. I found something highly amusing, a box with a bunch of throw-away items in it. Now, in my part of town, a throw-away pile would consist of a plastic shopping bag or two, ripped, stuffed with cheap, unfashionable clothes you would never wear, many stained or smelly, worn-out shoes, and maybe some random kids’ toy parts strewn into the sidewalk.

This stash was in a large, sturdy cardboard box. The first thing I noticed, after a graduation cap and gown, was a tuxedo suit jacket and pants. There was also a small bag filled with random holiday, birthday, and graduation cards, and a couple of sturdy candle holders and some small candles. I took the cards to open later, on the off-chance there might be money in them (silly me! Do wealthy people even bother putting cash in cards for each other?). But what really cracked me up was finding a once-used tuxedo in a throw-away box in a wealthy neighborhood. Classic.

“the word LOVE was created to try to encapsulate an indescribable connection and communication of respect, adoration, sensuality and peace, which in turn brings a feeling, ‘Love’.” David H.

http://charismalane.com/?p=320#comments

Had some fun tonight “summarizing” my professional experience in LinkedIn. I just realized I left out an entire section for “menial labor”, ha.

My professional experience spans quite a few sectors:

Health/Education: I’ve coached collegiate athletics for 5 years at a four-year Division II NCAA state college, advancing several athletes to all-conference, all-region, and national honors as All-American. I’m certified as a yoga instructor, massage therapist, and track & field coach. As a coach, I design and lead workouts and structure team practices and meetings, as well as manage track meets, volunteers, and recruiting.

Business: I’ve dreamed-up and created 2 profitable small businesses in the fields of health and recreation, including managing an office of 12 contractors and all facets of running a small business, from accounting to marketing to HR to operating procedures to interviewing and training.

Science & Technology: I’ve worked in R&D for environmental biotech solutions and department of defense research in academic and commercial settings. I am an excellent small projects manager, awarded by a Top 5 US corporation for my development of a tool to streamline project management in my first year at the company. I also was recognized for my skills in facilitating successful meetings with multiple stakeholders on multi-million dollar projects, and for creating working operating procedures.

Government: For four years I worked closely with a national security consultant/contractor on advancing technology security initiatives involving US Government agencies, financial firms, and VC firms. I also created back-office operating procedures and managed the office and accounting as an administrative assistant.

Communication: I created and hosted an online summit where I conducted live, broadcasted 45-minute interview conference calls of eight Olympic-hopeful athletes in track & field. I’ve maintained a blog since 2006 where I document life lessons-learned, write poetry, social commentary, and updates about ongoing personal experiments.

ADDED:

Menial Labor: Valet Runner, Photo Lab Technician, Janitor, Construction, Warehouse labor, Childcare, Farm labor, Landscaping.

On my way to a valet parking job today in Pac Heights. It’s times like this where I wonder if I’m scrounging up work the best possible way. Even with tips I’m still working for less than $20/hour, and surely my time is more valuable than that. Or is it? It’s just such a bizarre scenario, certainly the supervisors at the valet company think it’s strange that a chemical engineer should be working for such little pay as a car runner. I suppose when I shut down my massage business, I was just not in the mood for taking chances with bigger projects, and probably rightly so. I am still learning how to properly manage money. I discovered that a bad decision made during my first couple years of college set the tone for what would eventually be my first big business failure: buying a new Rockford Fosgate sound system and 18″ subwoofer for my car, maxing out my first credit card, for $850. They agreed to sell it to me for my credit limit, so I thought it was meant to be. It was my first-ever time using a credit card to pay for something I wanted NOW, but hadn’t yet earned. I remember we were assigned an engineering homework assignment where we were to calculate our payments and interest for a purchase of our choosing. I was already taking out small loans to finance my education, *knowing* I would have a good job and be able to pay back that investment quickly upon graduation. Well, somehow an expensive stereo system became part of that “investment”. It is likely that I did not actually ever fully pay-off that debt for the next 10-12 years, until my recent bankruptcy wiped the slate clean.

But I think the problem was the energy shift that happened in me where it became “ok” to have something before I earned it. Looking back this habit followed me into my first well-paying job, where there were a few months I can recall having to do payday advances to cover my expenses. Pretty pathetic when you’re pulling in enough money for 2 people but you still can’t keep your head above water. I imagine this is at least partially what is meant by those people recently pouting online that they make $300,000/year and are still broke. A bit of entitlement complex. I’ve always felt entitled, which is to say envious, which I realize now is certainly a deadly sin. Ok to want the best, but also necessary to know where the universe placed you upon birth and what path you will need to tread to earn what you want.

On the positive side, my envy has taught me to be ultra-resourceful, I have a talent for finding and spending every possible cent easily available to me, it’s the money that has to be earned which I must now focus my resourceful energies toward.

So, as usual, I’m feeling too old to be learning these lessons, and too old to be running cars valet while I figure out how to be financially effective again. Fuck it, at least I’m learning something.