Wanna take your heart of glass
And shatter it on the concrete
Fucking tired of the soft skin
Over hesitant calculating circuitry
You know how you feel
Stop fitting my words into your formulas
Need someone more reactive
Someone more willing to punch a hole into my chest
Rip my heart out
And talk to me about it
Can't stand ballet
I wanna tango

Too shy to write you
Don't know if you feel the same
I'm hoping it's just hormones
That are causing my pain
It's killing me to think
Of your eyes searching mine
Of your cheek on my cheek
Your voice and your scent
Your fingers on my skin
Knowing it will be months
Until I feel you again

I heard this song while out jogging with the dog the other night. It's funny how a song sounds new after you've learned some new life lessons! What an awesome song…

Gavin DeGraw

I Don't Wanna Be Lyrics

I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son,

I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son,

I don't have to be anyone other than the birth of two souls in one,

Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from,

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately,

All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind,

I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do,

Or who I'm supposed to be,

I don't wanna be anything other than me,

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn,

I'm surrounded by impostors everywhere I turn,

I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn,

Am I the only one to notice?

I can't be the only one who's learned,

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately,

All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind,

I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do,

Or who I'm supposed to be,

I don't wanna be anything other than me,

Can I have everyone's attention please?

If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave,

I came from the mountains,

The crust of creation,

My whole situation made from clay to stone,

And now I'm telling everybody,

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately,

All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind,

I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do,

Or who I'm supposed to be,

I don't wanna be anything other than me,

I don't wanna be anything other than what I've been tryin' to be lately,

All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind,

I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wonder what I gotta do,

Or who I'm supposed to be

There are certain races that should not interbreed. For example, Incan Peruvians. You are so majestic and cool-looking! Don't breed with us! Black & White or Asian mixes, beautiful babies, okay, go ahead! Then again, who knows what we will see in 50 years with a continued melting pot…

So I'm really enjoying learning Chinese! It's been an average of about 1 hour every other day so far this week. I'm even recognizing/reading some characters now which is quite thrilling!

With my post-New-Years illness comes less motivation to do my yoga and crossfit. However I found running/walking with the dog today to be beneficial to clearing up my sinuses a bit. Glad I did it.

My circles keep expanding and intersecting. Tonight at our party met another Stanford hammer thrower who knows the hammer thrower I've been training with! And got an invite to check out the local rowing club which seems like a cool opportunity to build some rhomboids for a couple days…

Got a great insight tonight about my last relationship and business being symptomatic of me not fully stepping out into the world. Sad and ironic considering I've been quite independent and brave leaving very small towns for larger and larger ponds, but I guess it makes sense that I used my bf as an anchor of sorts, and my business as a shield of sorts. With all that gone it will be up to me to find my inner sense of grounding while allowing myself to fully step into myself and my city.

To a new year and a newer, improved me!

I do think American parents ought to be spending more time demanding more from their children. It has gotten difficult in 2-income households. Lots of excuses…

“What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.”


“Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it’s probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it’s true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.”


“Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.”


http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html?mod=wsj_share_facebook

Keeping a text message log I was able to go back 5 months and analyze a relationship. What I noticed was that I preferred to have constant communication. If I didn't hear back from my love within a couple of hours I would get a little anxious. One day and I was questioning all intentions. After 3-4 days I would get extremely despondent and irritated. After 5 days he ceased to exist in my world and I desperately sought to find other potential mates!

My guess is that I was trying to fit this relationship into the previous one's template. My ex and I would talk EVERY DAY on the phone, or at least send text messages.

Part of it may be biological too…after 3-4 days a woman is wired to go back for more love to increase her chances of furthering the species!

All the while, my mind was constantly computing his intentions & motivations based off the time lapse and content of the last communication (a computation which is very subjective so likely 80 percent false).

Interesting looking at this relationship from a "scientific" point of view tonight, sans emotion. A good perspective.

Lessons learned: ummmm, two people may bring two communication frequency histories to the relationship (not to mention communication preferences, i.e. Email vs. Text vs. Chat vs. Calling). Silence might actually be golden sometimes. I need communication (or better yet physical contact) at least twice a week to stave off flight tendencies in a non-committed relationship.

Probably some random reflections, musings at the airport on my way home to San Francisco for the new year…

On life balance: The past 4 years I have been using every available waking hour as a “work” hour. I had more vacations than normal this summer and my Yosemite trip in particular was very difficult for me to adapt to “not working.” It wasn’t even that I was working productively 100 hours/week. A lot of the time was traveling between jobs, or intense sessions at a computer. Mostly I was spending time worrying about all the things I wouldn’t be getting done, and feeling guilty about sitting down on the couch after dinner occasionally. I almost totally denied myself any fun social activities beyond going to the movies by myself or with an old friend. FOR THREE YEARS.

The new year brings new opportunities to redefine what I want my life to look like. This has come at a steep price. My past 4 years were spent working very hard to build a life that would eventually bring me freedom and leisure, or at least get me by. It was a backward pursuit that burnt me out physically and spiritually and ultimately confused me in the end. I realize how much, and how little I can accomplish on my own. I learned the art of planning for success. I learned the art of delegation and the invaluable asset of community. And I’m learning more every minute about the value of taking action when I am called to and not letting things play out too far.

By leaving my relationship early this summer, I was making a conscious choice (finally) to spend my time with someone who truly loved and trusted me. I was so ready for something better and more awesome, a smooth ride with an open heart. I think I committed to the idea of commitment with him. I must have been rebounding from 2 years of casual flinging and was wanting something “deeper.” I’m still so immature when it comes to relationship dynamics. I hope I can manifest a real partnership. I don’t know how so many other people in the world have done it. But how many are really doing it successfully, and not just co-dependently? How can I practice for this? Ugh.

Not only did I kill my relationship but I’ve now decided to kill its child, my massage therapy business. The dopamine is gone there too and come to think of it, it was manifesting the same pattern as my relationship: It wasn’t meeting my needs and that was ok as long as someone else was getting the benefits. Jeez Louise. When I did finally decide to get my needs met I discovered it just wasn’t what I really wanted after all anyway. Weird.

So maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me that I need to be taken care of for a while. Let’s see where that takes me…