Authenticity is becoming more relevant in society, and it seemed to be the theme of the Grammy award winners this year.

Beyoncé’s Drunk in Love, my least favorite song of the year, won for R&B. I can only speculate that it’s because she seemed to let her hair down a bit in that song. It was like hearing the living room version of Beyoncé: drunk, intimate conversations between her and her husband and, er, ebonics.

A big winner for the night was Sam Smith, who I’ll admit I didn’t *get*. He’s too sappy for me, a true Cancer male. I wrote him off my radar after hearing his songs for the first time. But his most touching speech revealed that he finally got the traction he desired by “being himself,” rather than trying to lose weight and any other number of things that gets Hollywood’s attention. Apparently, he is a well-loved songwriter in Hollywood so I think that explains his popularity even more. But his songs do feel like very personally *his* songs…it’s a true expression, one that just happens not to suit my taste, no matter how catchy!

I was disappointed for Iggy Azalea, whose songs were all over the radio in 2014. But she seems to get blasted constantly in the media for her “authenticity.” And it really makes one question what is authenticity, when a white rapper comes on the US scene from Australia, sporting a southern black accent and language. Conversely, Eminem won the best rapper award, and has proved his “authenticity” by bringing back his old homophobic and violent lyrics and not showing up to grab his award ;-)

Many years ago, I remember someone speculating that the jobs in the “next economy” would require more specialization; that is, it would be important for each person to bring their unique gifts to the marketplace, since, after automization of most routine jobs, the remaining jobs would become more niche. I think this is happening, and it calls for a higher level of authenticity, of knowing one’s self. Because it is hard to market yourself to employers when you don’t know who you are!

Financial psychic Andrrea Hess talks about your “authentic self” being the most profitable self also. The New Age community talks a lot about your soul purpose, which sounds a lot like “things that make you happy.” And while I think every dream is not necessarily monetizable, it does make sense that you are going to be more persistent and determined to succeed doing things you love to do.

Authenticity…

When people are worried about their jobs, they will tolerate a lot of bullshit.

“Basically an absurd pastime on which
To be exhausting ourselves…”
But it’s hard
Easy is too painful
A rhythm, a test
Making a comeforward
Where have your dreams gotten me?
Think for myself.

Sick in the throat. Did too much in one day. Ate a whole bag of chewy sweet tart candies, as a drug, to stay awake. It was an ineffective drug, with the crashes leaving me more tired than the whole. Drove LBC to BAKO to SF, packed it all away, then drove straight back to LBC, dead kitty and all. Lots of radio DJ-ing, laughs, lots of goodbye hugs and tears and full hearts. Lots of stress. No keys, bolt-cutter. Last-minute decisions before December starts.

Needing more TLC time. More breathing and walking and sleeping. Less busyness. I’ve got all the love I need.

To recovery and big dreams.

“Let each man win glory before death,”

Astrology revealing Leo and Pisces in the north nodes.

Somehow I ended up in love with a Mexican American, and drunk on tequila and antifreeze fireball whiskey in San Diego tonight, dancing the waning full moon away to a mariachi band on my love’s 26th birthday night, speaking and singing in Spanish, and pausing to sober up by going jogging down streets named, provocatively, “Old Memory Lane,” and then, trying to find a way back, “Gravity Lane,” which quickly halted me in a forested dead end. This all seemed ominously symbolic at the time, so I turned around and jogged back up Old Memory Lane, passing an RV on the way back which read “Pride of the Heart.” I have yet to figure out what the Universe was trying to tell me. But it was a really nice night.

I got a flu shot and TDAP vaccine last week. My arms hurt immensely near the injection site (more of a dull soreness) for a couple of days. For the past 5-6 days, I was unable to assemble any tote bags due to cramping and pain in my hands and forearms. I don’t recall using my handheld devices any more. I did do a lot of bags last Friday (74), so the combo of fatigue plus vaccine stress probably got to me. I’m slightly better today.

The moon is nearly full and gorgeous.

I’m looking forward to a weekend with my honey for his birthday.

I still miss my kitty.

My shoulders hurt, a lot, in the days after my flu shot and Tdap. Now, my forearms are cramping but it *could* be due to overworking them last Thursday night/Friday morning.

I’m the grim reaper this year.

I’ve set up a way to get back into hammer throwing weekly. Looking forward to dancing with an old friend.

Sleepy eyes.

I’ve been making a ton of FluffyCo bags recently so my motivation to post things has diminished as I stave off RSI, heh.

Having lived with chronic, well, chronic-users nearly all my time in the Bay Area has me thinking more about drugs and their effect on the brain. I’m grateful for my generally pleasant disposition. I’m grateful for my generally very upbeat brain chemistry. Life is not usually a dark place for me. But I’ve been to those dark places, with and without the use of serotonin and dopamine-altering chemicals, and it makes me even more grateful for my natural state of being, which is basically a natural, mild high.

I read recently about mushrooms’ long-term effects on brain chemistry, including the increased prevalence of synesthesia and, ahem, gravitation toward an appreciation of the arts (both of which I have had long before any altered experiences.)

My natural synesthesia was very strong today, which was fun and awesome. Although, living in the Bay Area, you get exposed to so much second-hand MJ smoke on a regular basis during festivals, concerts, walking down the sidewalk, and through housemates, etc., that you can start to wonder what your baseline exposure really is, and how much brain chemistry is altered chronically.

I don’t feel worried about it, especially as long as my decision-making abilities and self-reflection/self-talk seem to be balanced and intact. I’m not sure the clinical definition of mental health, but I suppose it involves having things generally going well in your life, balanced mood states, etc.

My forearms are starting to bug me so that’s probably all for now. G’night.

The Giants won their final home game tonight. I jumped up and down and high-fived strangers at a bar in West Portal. I needed that. I think I finally understood the fan phenomenon, where a win from your hometown team makes you feel like a winner for a moment, because you invested your faith for a few days or hours and something good happened. My heart needed to feel a celebration after the heartbreaking events of this week (losing my best friend of 10 years).

I’m grateful for the learning opportunities of my employment, and especially for the love of my boyfriend of nine months. I really could not have imagined I could love someone so effortlessly, so completely. I’m looking forward to celebrating his birthday and Thanksgiving this month with him and his family.

Go Giants!