My heart was heavy today, and my right eyelid was still swollen from all the bursting into tears that happened over the past 48 hours. I had to take L-Lysine with breakfast to fend off a cold sore, which only appears when my body is wracked with extreme stress.

People were empathic and kind to me today. My appearance, slower demeanor, and heavy heart must have been visible.

I went out of my way to ask other people how they were doing, realizing that I was becoming a black hole of needing comfort. I walked the dog first thing in the morning, which the exercise and getting out of the house felt helpful in integrating and healing my body, after 24 hours of laying on the floor next to my suffering kitty with her head in my hand.

Things are starting to add up, like why she was the least active and most calm and cuddly of her litter (which is why I chose her), and why she didn’t like to play with toys for very long (she would easily tire). Maybe even why she always hated having her stomach touched out of all places (and I “tested” her often, being a trained massage therapist).

I kept looking, listening, and feeling for her today out of habit. I half-think she is still around somewhere.

I went to my astrology class immediately after her passing last night. We talked about cats being Leo-based (some have placed them elsewhere but I think Leo’s influence can’t be denied). My housemate Lisa called her my “familiar,” and, in a way, I did express myself to the world with my choice of companion over the past ten years.

She was courageous, head-strong, reactive but easily-forgiving, beautiful with silky soft fur, always clean and smelled fantastic, and was emotionally sensitive–coming when called, comforting me when I was sad or sick, and willing to receive pleasure in the form of a pet or snuggle up to my foot, whenever fancy struck her, without being overbearing.

It must be why I pined for a cat for all five years of college, vowing to get one as soon as I got my own home, despite having a boyfriend who was allergic!

She greeted me at the door every night, and if I fawned over her, she would roll around on her back stretching her legs, being irresistibly cuter and cuter. She loved being the center of attention.

She taught me a lot about attention, and many other things.

She taught me to break up my attention if I was working too intensely and stop to pet her. She even reminded me to go to bed several times, or to stop what I was doing to refocus. She taught me to see the demons inside me who wanted to physically punish her or control her for innocent or justified actions on her part. She taught me boundaries. She taught me about communication, verbal and non-verbal. I feel like she prepared me to be a better parent one day. She taught me the value of companionship. We took care of each other.

I was so proud of her when she took a journey into the night a year ago, disappearing from my backyard on the fence line (after looking at me for permission), and had an all-night adventure. She returned in the morning a little ruffled up and stayed close to me in my room for several days after. It was her first time spending more than thirty minutes outside in probably 8 years.

It was fun giving her a little Taurine supplement the first time. She looked around the room like she was stoned and seeing things she never noticed before, and next thing I know when I’m not looking, she’s climbed the ladder to the attic and hunting mice. She hated ladders and hadn’t shown any interest in hunting up to that point (besides the occasional bug).

I thought of her kidneys, and how much of the damage was possibly my fault: if I had fed her the wrong things, the wrong way, or if I had exposed her to too many stressful situations (moving homes, teasing/play) that she had become overworked of adrenaline.

But I know that I loved her, I always bought her the best foods I could afford, gave her her favorite freeze-dried mice treats occasionally.

She started off only sleeping at my feet, and throughout the years worked her way up closer to my head over above me. Many mornings I would wake up to her sleeping on me and she’d be too heavy so I’d groan and roll over. She also enjoyed sleeping on my phone, which I rarely allowed mostly for radiation concerns.

I loved waking up with her and going to sleep with her. She was so adorable all tired out at night.

If she wanted my attention in the kitchen or living room, she would sometimes stretch up on her hind legs and touch me with her paw gently. She loved coming in the bathroom with me and sitting on my lap or drinking water from the faucet. I even taught her to shake the water off her head before jumping out of the tub.

She never liked wet cat food but would sometimes lick my cereal or ice cream bowls out. She liked salty cheese like my favorite aged Gouda. She was pretty spoiled.

I don’t think it’s all a coincidence that she started getting sick on my nine month “lunaversary” with my new boyfriend. She got me through my relationship “gestation period”, then turned me over into his loving arms. I’m so, so grateful for her love in my life.

A part of me is gone, but I have grown in loving her.

I consider myself an Independent. I’m pretty sure that’s the box I’ve checked most of the past 16 years. I lean Democrat, especially when Republicans start doing idiotic or dangerous things, like putting Sarah Palin up for the second highest office in the land. But this week, I signed up for both parties’ Facebook, Tweets, and emails, to stay informed.

And in my first GOP email was a survey about what is important to the party moving forward. So I thought that was an opportune time to let them know what I feel ought to be important to Republicans, if they want my vote.

I didn’t expect to learn much from this experience but I think I did. One main concept that hit home was what was implied by the idea that Republicans want smaller government AND lower taxes. These were both options available in a multiple-choice test of my priorities.

I chose smaller government, because, in theory, I favor a LEAN government. An efficient one. But what hit home for me was that lower tax rates was a way of reducing the size of government, because, without revenue, the government must scale back. Taken too far, this would be very detrimental to our society, and I think we are already seeing evidence of this: reduced spending on higher education; reduced funding for court systems, etc.

Government must be adequately funded to protect the interest of its citizens. When this gets eroded, the people must demand proper funding.

It’s ironic that the Tea Party has become a radical right wing movement, as what our forefathers wanted was the ability to be represented and taxed properly. But the conservatives now keep singing “taxes kill business growth”, because they know that playing on people’s job insecurities is a winning strategy in our current economy. If we continue to let big businesses skate by untaxed, the government will have less and less power to reign in corporate interests over public good.

And that would be Intolerable. That would require Revolution.

Purify your thoughts, change your world

Tired of hearing about “lack of jobs”. People don’t want jobs, they want a steady paycheck. Problem is, we have to help each other too. And actually being helpful morally is far superior to earning a paycheck for no good reason. Psychic tells me if I am not getting the paycheck I need, I’m not being helpful, or at least not true to myself. I ponder this. I feel that’s kind of like saying you are all precious and unique and worth millions. Well, if each of us was giving and helpful enough that millions of people benefitted, that could be true.

If you *could* help millions of people do something, what would it be?

-to make them smile or laugh?
-to make them reflect deeply and think?
-to get them talking?
-to give them hope?
-to show them another world?
-to transport them far away, or deep inside?
-to help them heal or level-up?
-to make their lives just a little easier?
-to stand up for them when others won’t?
-to guide them through things you’ve been through?
-to show them greater pleasures, higher planes?
-to surprise or wow them?
-to captivate or charm them?
-to show them support, lend an ear, give an outlet?
-to fix what is broken

I could go on…there are so many ways to help that don’t seem like a “job”. I just hate that word.

Autism now linked to pesticides
ADD linked to pesticides
Nervous system disrupters
This is duh

We made food as perfect as it could be by controlling and sterilizing everything
We may be sterilizing ourselves now
I guess biodome really happened
Trapped now with our heat and exhalations
Need to pop a tube through our atmosphere and vacuum it out a bit ;-)
I kid! I kid!

What are my exhalations doing for the planet anyway?
Why isn’t my backyard covered in solar panels?
Why am I again yearning to be reunited with the world outside myself
Have I lost my way again?
So quickly?

Immersed in another’s world like a drug
Inhaling all its magic and delights
Forgetting my body and suffering
Getting fatter from the anxieties

And the fibromyalgia all around me
Which makes you talk a lot
And takes away your motivation
All clues

As if, if I were to solve the problems nearest me
The whole world would level-up
The heavy metal poisoning
The staff infections
The incessant gabbing
Hours of zoning out
Mold, allergens, strokes
Vaccinations

As if enough of these things push at your door, that one day, it’s you on the receiving end.

But I’m lucky. Or I’ve done something right. If it’s the latter, I’m in no place yet to be helpful. As much mulling it all over as I do, alas, I tend to like to keep busy. Hyperactive maybe.

And who knows?
Maybe I’ll be a great financial manager.
My chart predicts it.
Others have tried to rope me in to their schemes.
But I’m romantic.
I need a good story.
There–now you’ve seen my Achilles.

Today I got a new business account. An “umbrella” account, for ChristinaMC, so that’s exciting.

Pondering the security risks of what it means to reveal your actions or intentions to the world, after a social media friend’s indiegogo campaign led to an armed robbery.

Pondering impermanence, after just watching a film about San Francisco graffitti taggers. About taking the journey without dwelling on the result too much. About how that perspective is dynamic. About how any thought is just a course-correction from another idea.

Finally, pondering love, and how to be awesome at being in love. How to bring intention into the small moments, and how to stay fresh.

I was feeling very tired and lazy tonight, after two days back in the gym and work, so to keep myself from being a social media zombie in my bedroom all night, I took myself to the new X-men movie. I have loved all the X-men movies I’ve seen so far, but this one was a spiritual experience for me. In other words, I wept, in resonance with the part about the power of hope.

I’ve been talking lately about the importance of learning from your past so that you can move on to better things. Part of this movie hit home for me–about things I learned as a university track and field coach.

Part of what made my last year of coaching so difficult was having eight athletes on my squad, with incredible athletic potential, and seeing the immense obstacles that were between them and their potential. In the movie X-men, they talked about how difficult it is to bear someone else’s suffering while holding out hope for them. I think perhaps I was not prepared to coach a group of that size with their levels of obstacles. It made my college experience seem like a breeze compared to what they were up against: learning disabilities, abuse, family problems, financial hardship, physical handicap, etc. I began to suffer along with them, and I was already dealing with my own extreme physical and financial hardships myself.

It reminded me of the immense love and power the coaches and teachers in my life showed in guiding me to where I am today, despite the hardships I endured in my youth.

And I wept knowing to my core, just what it feels like to have such high hopes for people you care about, and the immense suffering that their suffering causes you in bearing witness to it. It reminded me that coaching at a Division II level, when I had come from a Division I level, was not a step down but rather a step higher in degree of difficulty, something that didn’t really hit home until my final year there.

I made a lot of mistakes in how I handled my suffering that year, and moving forward, I’m much more appreciative of the requirements one takes on as a coach–a believer–one who takes on your suffering–and gives you the gift of hope.

I think something has finally hit home over the past few days. I’m dating a younger man, and I’m very attracted to his optimism and heart. I’ve had a couple very long relationships in which someone’s past was weighing them down every day.

A conversation last night with a friend reminded me that some people just don’t deal with their issues, so they continue to experience problems and trouble for much longer than a person should.

Said a recent boyfriend regarding his last serious relationship: “She dumped me, and I have no idea why.”

In individuals with stunted growth, there is an inability to face the truth/reality of a problematic situation. They seek to avoid suffering the mental processing of why things went badly, and the inevitable changes that will bring, perhaps still reeling from the trauma of the last change.

If you don’t know why your last relationship ended, or why you were fired, it is YOUR responsibility to find out or craft a narrative that places proper responsibility for bad outcomes, while keeping intact a paradigm that involves you thriving in relationships moving forward.

A relationship advice piece I read recently said that one way to tell if you’re dating someone great is that they know why their last relationship ended.

This is important.

Because if you’re stuck in the “I’m not sure why girls don’t like me” train of thought, there is no hope for change. You’ve falsely assumed the worst about yourself: that you are unlovable, or undeserving. And neither of those stories are attractive, so your destiny becomes a self-fulfilled tragedy.

As I recalled my 365-day poetry challenge back in 2009/2010 for my new boyfriend, it reminded me of the utility of journaling daily. My friend Diane brought up patterns recently, and journaling helps you to reflect and recognize patterns of thinking and action that, if not recorded, might go easily forgotten.

I’m leaving for NYC in about 4 hours. It will be my first time there, and it feels like a really big milestone for me. I feel like it is the one crucial part of our country that I have not yet explored (secondarily Chicago and Boston). So a part of me feels like my connection to America will feel more complete with this journey. Deep down, I’m a home-lover. And this country is very strongly my home. I also think visiting this city will help test my newly-stretched boundaries of what being a newcomer feels like. When I first came to San Francisco, the buildings were so tall and uninviting, the people distant and unreachable. The city really intimidated me. Years later, I regularly climb to its peaks with strangers and look down at the tiny buildings and wonder how I ever managed to feel so small and isolated. NY will certainly test that again, and I’m looking forward to it :-)

Are you in a hurry?

I never meant to start a war.

Throwing pearls to the swine; tossing fresh meat into a shark tank.

For the second time in two days, I’ve watched a movie involving someone being mute for long periods of time. Yesterday, I watched Paris, Texas with my cousin. And today on the airplane, I watched The Patience Stone. Coincidence or not, it’s given me food for thought.

In the first movie, Paris, Texas, the man is mute after leaving his wife and son and wandering in the desert for four years. He was really traumatized by the person he became in relationship to his wife, and needed to be mute for a while to escape and reflect. When he finally can talk, the story is shocking and allows him to move on.

In the second film, the woman is caring for her husband in a coma. He is normally a terrible husband, but in this state, she can tell him anything without fear of reprisal. And what she reveals is shocking. He can’t take her secrets and she has to kill him in the end.