Parts of the country are getting really cold. Reminds me of my youth, growing up in North Dakota. They say the jetstream patterns are changing–getting longer so storm fronts are more spread out. I finally realize my own tendencies to be apocalyptic, and I try to avoid that type of thinking now. But things are probably going to keep getting really weird with the state of the climate change we see happening: fast warming arctic and high CO2 concentrations.

I’m thinking of starting a blog for the book I started writing a year ago. It’s going to take me too long to synthesize and prove my ideas out so I think I’ll just throw them out there. Have other people help me. “You can accomplish a lot if you don’t care who gets the credit.”

And I’m really glad to be back with my booty calls again ;-). A good analogy might be this: you wait for the perfect job, declining all of the jobs that come along, until you just run out of money. Oops, still have to pay rent. Maybe it’s just not time for that perfect job or you’re not ready or you need more skills. That’s what “waiting” for Mr. Right feels like. Forget that. He can come find me while I go back to enjoying my random life and polishing my skills ;-)

I just got into Dallas tonight around 5 o’clock and it’s already been so worth the trip for me. I was the only non-immediate family member to join from this side of the family so I’m kind of the bride’s unofficial extended family representative! It was so nice to see and catch up with them over dinner tonight.

I really enjoyed catching up with my cousin who is now finishing his advanced mathematics education. A Pisces. We managed to combine astrology, religion, and mathematics into a really, really interesting discussion! He was asking me great questions, and sort of translating my answers into mathematical language. We talked about relativity, determinism, and conservation principles as applied to belief systems!

For example, asking me what I enjoy about traveling ended with this theorem that describes me pretty well: when I travel I like to immerse myself in a point of familiarity within the unknown, then expand my familiarity into the unknown. I suppose everyone is like that? But it was a cool way to think about it. For example, when I go somewhere new I like to already have a connection there, whether that is a band that I like is playing there or some other personal connection.

My housemate similarly diagnosed me yesterday when talking about why I sometimes stay in uncomfortable situations or relationships longer than I should: “it’s not enough for you that you know ‘what’, you want to know ‘why.’ He gets me, and he’s only known me two months :-)

Feeling blessed to stay over with an old colleague from Chevron. Eerily enough that makes for three chemical engineers in one house at the same time, counting her husband! Everything is bigger in Texas, especially the homes. This is quite something. I’m looking forward to touring around in the coming couple days.

Hehe: the equivalent of a person walking out of a public restroom with toilet paper stuck to their shoe! This rental car has a luggage sticker on its wheel, rolling out of the airport rental car lot. Cracked me up…

I had one of those realizations today that made me think I’m probably getting sick. Walking through the airport I couldn’t help but appreciate what a cool time in history we are living in. How luxurious we have it. How it could all be gone in an instant–in a super volcano, in a meteorite. And I just became really happy. Very open, really loving.

It didn’t last long of course. But for a few moments I was really really happy.

Later tonight, during my nightly hot tub soak under the stars, I found myself really cherishing my freedom as a single person, with the knowledge that this too, was temporary, and probably ending soon. I guess getting ready to go to your fifth wedding of the year can bring on this sort of feeling.

I am going to enjoy one night in my own bed and leave for Dallas in the morning. And hopefully I won’t dream about work tonight.

Sweet dreams.

I realized tonight there’s some courage in letting go of what’s not in your best interest. It takes faith in the fact that your best interest will be provided for, at the risk of no provisions in the meantime. It’s saying yes to your future and no to your past. It’s growth. It’s kind of a big deal. And it will have a profound impact on your loved ones.

There are no rules in life, but people like rules because then they can just switch off their brains. But there are signs of success that are easily identifiable, which, because they are small and simple, can also be easily dismissed as unimportant details. Fact one: there are no unimportant details. Fact two: things get complicated when you let them get complicated. Sometimes complicated feels better because you’re not ready yet to make a decision.

I’ve cleared my dance card. And this time it’s going to be a bit harder to get on it. Because I am craving something more satisfying, more worthy of my attention. My standards have been raised.

And always look for patterns: as goes your career, love life also. Patterns can be subtle to detect: don’t be too literal. Your energy permeates everything you bring your attention to, that’s what drives change or stagnation. What are you about? What do you think about? What do you hate? What do you want for yourself?

I think I might start writing down what I hate for three days. As a positive person I am prone to overlooking the negative, which can be informative toward pointing someone toward the positive.

There are some gorgeous fall leaves now on the trees near where I work. I have a new home now too, and I seem to be starting a new chapter/turning a new leaf, etc.

Was just asked to be “friended” on Facebook by someone. I asked them how they knew me. They said they didn’t, but that I had pretty eyes and seemed like a fun person. I refused to friend them. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. I feel like I’m on a higher plane of discrimination now, generally. Won’t live just anywhere, date just anyone, friend just anyone, etc.

I guess I’m still grieving my last relationship too. I was unpacking tonight and came across several meaningful items: a blanket he had bought me in Mexico a couple weeks in (while on a secret date he didn’t bother to mention), a teddy bear from my trip to London, which I “won” at a winter carnival only because the carnie pitied how upset I was about not making enough baskets to win fairly. Then, the tears came with the motorcycle helmet, which was gifted to me for no apparent reason other than his not wanting to have to store it, yet I only used it riding with him. A lot of nice memories came flooding back putting that helmet in my hands: the wind and sun on my skin, my body pressed intimately against his backside, the little massages I ‘d give him at the stop lights, riding over San Francisco hills, the danger, speed, and adventures.

And finally, the hammer shoes he bought me, which symbolized to me that he might finally want to get to know me beyond the fact that I was good in bed and formerly a business owner. *sigh*

I looked out across the San Bruno mountains, in the direction of the Oakland hills, and felt that strong connection, the remaining dopamine, return. I let it clear from my mind, and wondered if he was still letting go in his own way, or if I was already a fuzzy distant memory.

I don’t think I can forgive PM for almost driving me crazy enough to want to move to Idaho. The same way I can’t forgive the Republican Party for nominating Sarah Palin. In both cases, it would have been so, so bad!! :-p

For my next iteration, I’m dreaming of a boy who won’t make me feel like writing poems. I think writing too many poems, at least for me, is a sign of mental illness at some point.

I haven’t felt the need to blog or journal or write poems in a couple months, and that’s a good thing.

I do like having my life somewhat journaled though, for future reference and entertainment.

For now, just enjoying the grind, enjoying driving/owning a car again (baby’s first car wash last Sunday!), and figuring out where to lay my head for the next year.

Feeling mostly optimistic, shadowed by concerns over atmospheric CO2, industrialized foods, and hormone changes in our environment. The usual.

For the past 2+ years, I’ve been experimenting with improving my vision. The underlying hypothesis is that *something* created my imbalanced vision (20/300 in my right eye, 20/50 in my left). My leading idea is that strain created the right eye condition.

I obtained an eye patch a couple weeks ago, and wore it over my “good” eye, thinking the “bad” eye needed exercise. Yet again, I was undermining my own hypothesis. If strain created the original condition, surely more work/strain would not “fix” the condition.

After this aha moment today, I am attempting a half-day wearing the eye patch over the “bad” eye. It is interesting to note that my “good” eye is the “lazy” one: the eyelid is more limp and the eyebrow less arched. So perhaps it is not trying as hard to see as the right eye.

Then, I wonder if darkness helps the eye relax or work harder. I’m thinking it helps relax, because I can feel the right eye kind of giving up and closing already.

Update to follow later!

Had a minor breakdown this evening, mulling over my last intense relationship of the past three years. I’ve been doing a lot of purging this week. People I do not get along with I’m shutting out of my life and breaking bonds. I’m tired of unnecessary drama and struggle. I’ve cultivated a lot of relationships over the past three years based on some glimmer of excitement, but many have had serious integrity or character flaws that I’ve accepted as a tradeoff. I’m not perfect, no one is, and I’ve tolerated a lot of bullshit in the name of adventure and learning opportunities.

I was looking for some way to “let go” of my last love, for once and for all. Otherwise, my brain continues to run in the background to try and “fix” the relationship, and I can’t afford the wasted energy. My love’s main problem with me was my “lack of stability”, but I feel this was in part caused by his actions. I sought stability very early on and he rejected it. I thought the sensible thing would be to demonstrate my commitment. When that failed, I demonstrated my independence. In the meantime, in his overzealousness for security, he held too tightly to too many loves, causing an eventual backfire. To be blamed for my instability is not to take the entire picture into account. Atonement in this case would require something he is not willing to give up, i.e. his illusions and tokens of security. It’s too bad-we could have had a lot of fun.

I suppose this is what Gibran said about love’s threshing floor. The deep, dark lessons about the nature of being human, which loving another reveals to us. Our needs for acceptance, security, freedom, and self-expression, among many others.

I can only hope I will be more brave and more open-hearted in the next round, and Hafiz’s promise is for me:

“Anger, all this fighting and tormenting want, sweetheart, God has seen your heart in prayer. Sweetheart, God has seen you and sent a close one. Surely there is something wrong with your ideas of God if you think our Beloved would not be so tender.”

Having dinner outside on a beautiful lawn in a club at night, next to the Arabian sea under a full Aquarian moon, my heart is full.

“You’re never getting married?” One of the aunties asked me. Well, who can know? I’ve always assumed I would, and I still long to be a mother (though technically I already am one, if a very distant one!).

I’m ready for a more mature relationship built on a more solid foundation I think. Some people approach relationships with more open-heartedness and honesty than others seem to be capable of, and I’m gravitating toward the real–the lovers who bring out my deepest laughs, make me feel comfortable, and share things they normally might keep hidden. I’m ready for a more open equal, and excited for my new path in career and relations upon my return to the bay area.

A Piscean I met on this trip said she was born at 3am, and loves that time because it’s neither day nor night. She also has excelled in delegation and purposefully unstructured communication during presentations at her job. These are lovely Piscean metaphors.

Bedtime.

My stomach has started acting up, right on cue beginning the fourth day in Karachi. And I’ve noticed it makes me more thoughtful.

When I don’t feel well, I notice I become quite sensitive to people that I don’t feel are taking care of me in my life. It’s as if I become illumined to my loved ones’ caretaking abilities when I am feeling naturally selfish, as being sick forces one to be. I tend to be very externally-focused generally I think, frequently looking to others for cues on how I should act. I figure this is a pattern ingrained from my youth, which involved many moves to new towns, where I would have to figure out the local culture quickly to figure out how to “fit in.”

So I become repulsed by the selfish people in my life when I am sick, and that might actually be useful information. Ask me when I’m well ;-)

Watching a political discussion on the television in the Urdu language, reminds me of the vastness of the human experience. So many cultures and differences, and yet all connected in one chain going back thousands of generations.

I feel comforted with the knowledge of how many people similar to us have lived on the planet, especially when I start to feel a little existential crisis coming on, which happens more frequently than I’d like to admit. Through some experimental experiences, I’ve come to understand just how interconnected we are as a single organism with many detached, mobile sensors! Even our speech with each other flows in a field of energy which affects both the speaker and the observer, so that it can be confusing who is thinking the thoughts when linked-in with each other. We have done so much work generationally teaching each other how to think and speak for maximum cooperation among different tribes/bloodlines, that sometimes among the complex interconnectedness I start to question and become apathetic about the relative value I am adding, 1/6 Billion-ish.

Earlier today, I was reading an article about the latest climate change science, and a comment was made about how Republicans are so afraid of a global government and global currency and work to maintain status quo (in this case, by funding “hoax” campaigns against the science). It brings me back to story of the tower of Babel, and how just when everyone was seeing eye-to-eye, God confused the languages of the people so that they could not, through their cooperation, build a tower to reach God. In retrospect, this was good, because we know now that humans trying to build a tower won’t actually get you any closer to God. We have left our atmosphere for the moon and beyond, and no material God-figure was anywhere to be found in the heavens.

So perhaps what the people were building toward was cooperation, and in that global cooperation is where God is found. Each of us pictures God according to our understanding, whether a father-figure, goddess, lover, friend, baby, or nature, for example. This is not poly-theistic, in fact, it is the opposite. One God, like the elephant in the room that we see only a portion of from our perspective, is at once omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent, Hermes and Aphrodite, living in the polarities and all the spaces inbetween.

So operating as a human amidst an energy that we call God…

I was just distracted by my own thoughts, which happens often. I was thinking that I’ve noticed that the human capacity for self-reflection gets out of control with me sometimes. I think I became hyper-vigilant as a child, as children do when they feel unsafe in their environments. Psychology teaches us that children realize the only thing they have control over is themselves, so they turn their powers inward to calculate and control in order to affect a safer interaction with their environments. If they can become very good at self-reflection before taking actions, they can take some degree of control over how they are treated by others.

My life right now, at age 33, is about unwinding the excess of self-reflection that I needed to protect myself as a child. This makes me think I ought to stop journaling! But I do find my journal/blog entries really insightful in terms of helping recognize when history is trying to repeat itself. Sometimes I will forget the lessons I’ve learned along the way until I go back and re-read my poems or blog posts. My excess of self-reflection makes me a good investigator and has enabled me to see multiple perspectives and act in a pointed way, so there are benefits, but there are also downfalls, namely, spending too much time in being critical of oneself and not taking action, or not being fully present in the moment and attuned to flowing among life’s wonders rather than safeguarding against life’s threats and what-ifs.

And I become quite verbose when ill. Time for a nap.