Mood: After 10 years of weight gain, Halloween is every time I see a photo of myself.

I wondered this week at the grocery store, if I had married someone who enjoyed diversity in food, would I be cooking a Thai pumpkin curry this week instead of something more ordinary? Would my menus and body and life be completely different? No doubt. But I needed someone who could ground my chaos.

I peel the flanges off my breasts, 7 and half months of pumping milk for my baby in the middle of the night. I have mini nightmares right before my night alarms (my alarms go off every 4 hours). My body goes into semi-wakefulness and my mind overanalyzes the last segment of my last dream, on repeat. Sometimes I know this means I am about to be woken up.

I get such joy from re-reading my old blog posts. So my goal is to post every day this month to get back into the habit. I’ve experienced so much this year, and I’d like to remember some of it.