Valentine and my favorite color, Resolutions and Mistakes

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Seeing Red
Just a little reminder to wear red tomorrow, and notice how nice everyone (men) treat you when you do! It’s astounding really, how much “help” you get and how many new “friends” a woman can make with a red dress or red lipstick :-)

Resolutions
Today is my third consecutive day following my NYR exercise plan. I’m stoked. It’s 13 days into February and I’ve finally worked in what I’ve been wanting to do, according to plan. I think people give up way too soon on their NYRs, and so making resolutions gets a bad rap. The point is, if change were easy you wouldn’t need to resolve to do different. To successfully change, you must be tenacious and persistent in incorporating change, for AS LONG AS IT TAKES. I’ve had some items on my NYR list for three years or more. Those things inform me of that my priorities and limitations are, and that’s okay too. But it feels really good achieving 75% of what I set out to do. Solid “C”, heh. For “Change.”

Mistakes
The older I get the more I understand the growth process of trial and error, and learn to have patience with my and others’ process. I’m nearly 34 and the universe is still telling me to “Slow Down,” a lifelong challenge for a Fire Aries I’m sure. Hit the racquetball easier. Finesse those backboard shots. Think before you speak and choose the right words. Look around you. Take time for small details. Ask questions.

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Why Pro-Life is Pointless

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In the wake of the Roe vs. Wade anniversary, I am reminded of a topic I find very interesting, not the least because people in my life have such polar, strong opinions about it.

Having been an egg donor six times has given me a unique perspective on the pro-choice/pro-life debate. I’ve come to realize that reproduction ethics just aren’t as simple or black and white as they once were.

In the eyes of some “pro-lifers”, I might deserve a medal, having personally created well over 100 embryos. Most were frozen, a handful became children. Isn’t this fantastic? I really did my reproductive duty!

But it makes me wonder, if every embryo created is truly a special, precious gift from God, then why aren’t more pro-life women creating more embryos? You can do it twice a year or possibly more often. Then instead of just one angel getting its earthly wings, 10 or 20 could!

The point that some don’t want to entertain is that not all eggs should become embryos, and not all embryos should become people. And no one actually wants the seemingly God-like responsibility of deciding that, but technology has brought us to that crossroads. So until we can get a little more sophisticated in our arguments (“Embryos are people!”), we won’t be having a very useful nor interesting discussion.

Some pro-lifers will argue that embryos created in a non-loving relationship should be exempt from forced reproduction, like in cases of rape or incest. And this is being more thoughtful. Families and communities must also draw lines when it comes to disorders and birth defects.

I think most people would not be in favor of ramping up US birth rates by 20-40 times annually, even though with technology it is possible.

Pretty much no one is actually pro-abortion. Abortion sucks, it’s unpleasant, and sad. But it is as necessary as our mistakes are, and the “save the embryos!” argument is basically pointless, unless, of course, the mother agrees.

Not time

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If you really loved your life
You wouldn’t just sleep with other projects!
If only you could wake up
To the opportunity that has been so obviously in front of your face all along
You would have purpose
You’d be happy
Because there’s only one!
One life’s mission
You only get one
So stop whoring around already
And cheating on the dream you already know about but are choosing to hide from because it’s so
BIG
So IMPORTANT
Not unlike your EGO
Besides, the kids are counting on you to leave them a better tomorrow
Think of the children!
So turn up the pressure
And don’t dare take a night off
The history books are waiting
Follow me follow me follow me follow me
Follow the yellow brick road
But since things are just us, inside out
I’m aching to know what money is
What the computers will tell us
And whose prodding voice it is that haunts my idle moments
This is decidedly not the time
To rashly go saving the world

Thoughts becoming Things

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So connected
So much knowledge
Exposes the gaps
We learn faster than we can do
And we are trained to be consumers
Who is putting this knowledge to use?
We can know more than we can ever affect
So then the future becomes about
Keeping one’s sanity
By knowing what is within one’s reach
And what is best left to others
Which requires a lot of reflection
For a sharp image
In order to build the next great pyramids
We’re all going to have to do our part
By knowing our part
Filling the gaps with ourselves

Breaking Homeostasis

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A little shaken
Bumping up against boundaries and feeling anger, confusion
Determined to stretch a little
Hoping my faculties are intact
Scary thing about losing your mind is that you can’t be aware of its slow decline
Until it’s really bad
And no one wants to talk about how fat changes you
Makes you more dishonest
More likely to achieve by lesser means
And hoping I chase it away before it becomes me
But animals do dreadful things when they fear for death
Alerted by stress
Attacking or consuming out of instinct
We like our homeostasis

Mixed Feelings

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Being judgy
From a place of knowledge
Wanna heal all these diseases
Costing us too damned much
Wanna stop this madness
This polluting inertia
Cars spewing ton after ton
Of matter the earth meant to stay buried until the next volcanic age
So if we’re all gonna suffer and die
Randomly
Then at least stop shitting in your drinking water
And feeling guilty for dancing and wearing silly costumes
Remember to remember the most important things:
To show kindness and mercy
To always do the right thing no matter who is watching
And to connect to another living being with your heart’s energy

Silence and Secrets

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For the second time in two days, I’ve watched a movie involving someone being mute for long periods of time. Yesterday, I watched Paris, Texas with my cousin. And today on the airplane, I watched The Patience Stone. Coincidence or not, it’s given me food for thought.

In the first movie, Paris, Texas, the man is mute after leaving his wife and son and wandering in the desert for four years. He was really traumatized by the person he became in relationship to his wife, and needed to be mute for a while to escape and reflect. When he finally can talk, the story is shocking and allows him to move on.

In the second film, the woman is caring for her husband in a coma. He is normally a terrible husband, but in this state, she can tell him anything without fear of reprisal. And what she reveals is shocking. He can’t take her secrets and she has to kill him in the end.

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Consciousness

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Mouth agape
Grateful for a billion other brains
Each sensing
Projecting
Slightly different
Awe-inspiring images
Burned into our DNA
And exploring with caution
The limits of our minds,
Sensations,
Pleasure,
Survival

If you are right
Is there really a need to be snarky?
It’s all right there in front of us
As we take turns worshiping the wrong things
While karma fucks us over
And forever wonder if we were ever enough
If we did all we could with our time
Energy
Talents
And somehow knowing
Every last head would turn if we did
And recognize the part as an integral piece of the whole
Life’s yearning for life
To be ever born and ever loved
Adored as one who looks into one’s own eyes
Fractals reflecting the infinite time present in a moment
Consciousness focused

Journaling

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Parts of the country are getting really cold. Reminds me of my youth, growing up in North Dakota. They say the jetstream patterns are changing–getting longer so storm fronts are more spread out. I finally realize my own tendencies to be apocalyptic, and I try to avoid that type of thinking now. But things are probably going to keep getting really weird with the state of the climate change we see happening: fast warming arctic and high CO2 concentrations.

I’m thinking of starting a blog for the book I started writing a year ago. It’s going to take me too long to synthesize and prove my ideas out so I think I’ll just throw them out there. Have other people help me. “You can accomplish a lot if you don’t care who gets the credit.”

And I’m really glad to be back with my booty calls again ;-). A good analogy might be this: you wait for the perfect job, declining all of the jobs that come along, until you just run out of money. Oops, still have to pay rent. Maybe it’s just not time for that perfect job or you’re not ready or you need more skills. That’s what “waiting” for Mr. Right feels like. Forget that. He can come find me while I go back to enjoying my random life and polishing my skills ;-)

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Love Lost

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I wore my white dress
You took me out
For the first time
In three years
Without me paying
Like our first date
All over again
Anniversary

I eyed you shyly
Not sure I felt it
Searched your face for my spark
Found it in your green eyes

The air was pregnant
Like it was the first time
You asked what I was thinking
Again I denied you
Too many questions
Too many hard problems
With no solutions
I tried to look happy
Inside I stirred

You took me bowling
Me in my white dress
On your motorcycle
We took turns shyly
It was our first time
You took pictures
We each had a win

We shared a passion
Like a radio station
We both tuned into
That felt like love
Felt like forever
Whatever our differences
It erased them each time

You took me home
Me in my white dress
Gave me a gift
Laid me on my bed
That night we were energy
Achieved a oneness
Beyond our dreams
We touched heaven together
Luckier than most

And in its twilight
Returned the sadness
The memory of difficulty
The pregnant silence
Unanswered questions
No solutions

And the distance between
The high of that peak
And the low of our valleys
Was too great a distance
For my heart to cross
Our love was lost