Day 36: No more shoes

I went hiking today with a date up a fairly steep incline. The trail was rocky but had enough mercifully rock-sparse dirt areas to be doable.

The last month has been so incredibly eye-opening, that I have already transitioned my 30-day-no-shoes foot experiment into a lifetime challenge. After just two weeks, I gave away all my shoes. I was that blown away by the results.

I will attempt to capture my myriad observations here now:
-I walk much more slowly now, and I barely land on the heel and use more of the ball of the foot to walk
-Due to walking more slowly/carefully and more on the balls of the feet, my legs spend more time under and behind me than in front of me
-I am developing hamstring strength just by walking differently. I have always had very poor hams vs. Quads strength. This is changing due to not heel-walking anymore.
-My stomach sticks out less and my butt sticks out less.
-My shin/calf muscles have totally changed. I wish I would have anticipated this and taken more before/after pictures. Perhaps I’ll take one soon and find some old full body pics of me to compare for you. My shin muscles are broader now. I used to feel just a single narrow muscle running up the front of the shin, it now feels like a full, thick sheath that could easily pick up all my toes :-)
-The bottom of my calves have filled in. I used to have very high looking calf muscles and little muscle development around the achilles. I have much more muscle lower to the heel now.
-I haven’t rolled an ankle at all since I started this. I must have rolled an ankle about twice a month prior to this experiment. Once, a couple weeks ago, I was walking on a parking lot curb and caught the edge with my foot. Instead of my ankle giving out painfully as it normally would, my entire left side fell toward the pavement as one unit, and I caught myself before falling. My head actually tilted at the same angle as my ankle. This is a really cool injury prevention feature. Nothing was hurt at all.
-The skin on my feet is getting tougher, but not calloused. It is still super-sensitive (a necessary foot function) but slightly more plasticized almost.
-the balls of my feet are still taking way too much pressure as my arches are still not strong enough to support my weight. They have fluid pockets that are manageable, like pre-blisters. I am pushing my arches slowly, but I have to back off a lot because my last two toes will start hurting. The last two toes are my weak link. I can’t put more pressure into the ball of my foot until they can support more weight.
-the skin on my second and third toes is wearing too thin in spots due to compensating for the last 2 deformed toes’ inability to distribute my weight. I sometimes bandage them and sometimes not.
-the skin under my pinky toes is breaking open as the toes become less curled/deformed and start to stretch out again to proper angle and length. New skin is growing in the gaps. The right pinky toe started activating first, about a week into the experiment. It felt like it was breaking, but after intense massage for 30 minutes it turned out all the connective tissue, knuckle joint, and muscles were just really groaning under the pressures of the change. The pain went away after one very intense massage session. I had to do the same with my left pinky toe about two weeks later when it started its untwisting process. About 30 minutes of intensely painful massage and it felt much better.
-My feet get cold quickly but adapt very quickly and do not “feel cold” often. Splashing in rain puddles feels AMAZING. I love rainy days now :-) On very cold mornings the feet will almost become numb and then after about 5-10 minutes they regain all their sensitivity and feel warm again. I am careful about not letting them feel numb.
-My feet are not catching fungus or other infections. In fact, my feet have never felt healthier fungus-wise. I’ve had a lot of issues with this as a life-long athlete, and this is the longest I have gone without worrying about my toes peeling etc. due to shoe issues (it got especially bad with my Vibrams, and no I will not buy socks so that I can wear shoes that make me feel barefoot. I’ve cut out the expensive and frankly ugly middlemen!)
-I’ve gotten about three standard reactions from strangers: (1) dispproving looks (as in: how irresponsible of her to have left her shoes at home/work, not planned well, etc.); (2) friendlier looks, like I’m not above you – I’m not trying to one-up you with my footwear. I become more approachable to a lot of people (3) mostly black people have been extremely vocal about it. Only black bus drivers have expelled me from muni (about 15-20% of the buses I’ve ridden, approximately) or commented about my lack of shoes. No other race has mentioned it outright. I believe this is because blacks are held to higher standards of dress to achieve the same success as whites. They have been oppressed more, and are more sensitive to rules and oppression. Those not in positions of power have either scolded me without listening or curiously questioned me about it and listened to my answer thoughtfully. I could write a book about the different reactions I have gotten and their deeper meanings.

That’s all I have energy for tonight, more to come…

Dare to Hate

The spiritual thinkers have it wrong
We must dare to love
But also dare to hate
Not denying the duality
That brings about
The play of the universe

If we are moving toward love
We are propelled by hate
Though love as a word
Is pretty inadequate

Selflessness
The love behind our actions
But hate
Gives passion to movement

An inability to remain in a state any longer
That is not conducive to growth or giving
A disgust
A revolt
A wish to kill
What is breathing down our necks
And threatens what we love
Yes, love is what makes us valuable
But hate is what makes us useful

For many years I had nothing negative to say
Teachers criticized my lack of critique
But I am learned enough now
To have an opinion
To know what I love
And to know what I hate

Hazing, Jocks, Big Medicine, Gangs, and the Military

This is an essay about institutional/group hazing and bullying. I am privy to these cultural discussions having been an athlete all my life and now a university varsity sport coach for the past 6 years.

Hazing/bullying is finally being addressed in high schools, and now in universities. The final frontiers? Gangs, the military, and medical residency.

This story from Chicago was pretty egregious: underwear being ripped off and a kid being sodomized by his athletic team – in high school (http://northbrook.patch.com/articles/poll-are-schools-doing-enough-to-stop-hazing-bullyiing)

I still remember to this day the pain and embarrassment on L.M.’s face at my high school, when his underwear got ripped off by the wrestling team, thrown down amidst the varsity girl’s volleyball team where we were practicing, and he ran crying down the stairs toward the boy’s restroom. I remember the most popular girl in high school being upset about it, knowing exactly who had done this act to him. “That’s not cool!” she yelled up at him, while he returned an evil laugh.

Recently, a soccer team in our league (California’s CCAA) got a one-year suspension for forced alcohol consumption and humiliating hazing toward freshmen. Surprising in a town known for growing great marijuana, but I suppose that’s besides the point. (http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/22/sports/soccer-team-suspended-for-hazing.html?_r=0)

At a recent staff meeting at the university where I coach, we were recently given a list of hazing offenses. It was actually a list that came from fraternity/sorority anti-hazing guidelines, so a couple of things on the list made us coaches laugh, like “subjecting someone to feats of physical stamina.” What exactly are we supposed to do at our practices then? :-)

But it’s all for the best. It’s an indication that our society is “growing up,” I think, to start a national discussion on what constitutes physical and mental abuse for the sake of joining an institution.

But all this discussion begs the questions: What about the demeaning practices of our own government’s military? What about the demeaning hierarchical practices of our nation’s medical residency institutions? Both use sleep deprivation and power plays to initiate new inductees into the institution. Survivors/codependents get to stay, rebels get booted.

I suppose it is only a matter of time before someone in these organizations refuses to put up with the hazing there too and calls them out on their abuse. Although I like to think people join such organizations in part because they have a lot of energy and they’d like to see someone else direct that energy for a while. They’ d like to be exposed to someone else’s discipline. It gives them a sense of structure and meaning that they otherwise have a hard time cultivating. It doesn’t make it right, though.

Burning Friction

The friction
The pain of many needs
At odds
The pain of being separate
And not understanding
The pain of not knowing
Who or what to trust
The pain of believing
When no one else does
The pain of investment
And then letting go
Trying to do it all
Overcommitted
No one believes you
When you say you can’t do it
You’re just lazy
You don’t care
You’re just stupid
All the judgments
Like poison arrow darts
When you’re already wounded on the ground
What kind of karma
Brings this back to me now?
What love have I withheld
To deserve this hell?

Low Point

It always gets the worst
Before it gets better

Pain motivates change

Sometimes it means letting go
Of something that isn’t working

Hard when you’ve made
An arbitrary commitment
That come hell or high water
You’ll get through it
You’ll just try harder

Hard to admit
It’s not going to work
Especially when others are depending on you

Hard to be honest
About what you can physically handle
Hard to ask others
To make concessions for you

But harder to live with nagging doubts and worries
Harder to bring the whole ship down with you
Harder to stay the same, than to have failed and changed and learned

After All

Even after everything that has recently been revealed to me
I struggle to grasp that we’re the headlining act
And even this admission
Puts me into a circular spiral
I’ve always wanted to share my own spotlight
Not content with being the varsity athlete
The valedictorian
The golden daughter
I got tired of the Christina show

So am I just now projecting
That surely humans can’t be the pinnacle of creation
Just because we think we are
Or just because it’s my struggle?
Though all the prophets told us we are

What if it really wasn’t just about us
And the heights we achieve
Physically
Psychologically
Spiritually

I have a hard time believing that we are more spiritual than a tree
Though I do think we’ve been given a more difficult spiritual challenge
But maybe not?
Even a tree will crush something with its roots just to survive
It will fall and kill anything it crashes on

We have evolved to pull more energy toward ourselves than is sustainable
So does that make us evil?
Should we come back to balance with mother earth?
De-volve?
Or should we ride this evolution to full hilt
Finding more and more energy to consume
Transforming more and more molecules
Traveling farther
Mastering siddhis
Disappearing at will and popping up in another corner of the universe

Is this just an infinite game?

Project Hippie Conversion declared completed

For some of you, your worst fears are realized: After 6 years living in San Francisco and now the East Bay, your friend/relative Christina is now admitting she is a full-fledged hippie.

Trust me, I’ve been fighting the conversion pretty hard, even throwing off my new hippie belt with big pockets at a party after feeling utterly ridiculous wearing it. But it really was inevitable.

For the past 2.5 years, I’ve been growing out my hair. I love my new longer locks.

I stop to dance in random public places, just because I feel like it.

I stopped wearing metal-based deodorants in favor of salt-based deodorants. I still think I mostly smell ok, hence I do not identify as a “dirty hippie.”

I don’t wear sunscreen, lotions, makeup, shampoo or condition my hair.

I sold all my metal jewelry this week and I gave away all my titanium cookware and bought/swapped for cast iron. I won’t be wearing earrings anymore except the wood variety.

I walk around barefoot. I’ve been barefoot now for 25 days straight and it feels amazing, especially in the rain.

I even hugged a tree this year.

I smile at random strangers, talk to them, get rides from them in their cars to get into the city. I practice yoga every morning at 5:30am.

I buy 90% organic foods and don’t overeat anymore.

And, with the most hesitation, I started growing out all my body hair last week. I have never actually seen my own armpit hair in my whole entire life, nor my leg hairs fully grown out. This was the final and biggest personal change I’ve decided to make. It still disgusts me, but I want to experience that disgust fully and get over it. Sorry guys.

I gave away all my shoes and all my bikini bottoms. I’ll be sporting the 50’s style swimsuits from now on.

And I’ve never been more joyful, peaceful, and content. Life as a hippie is good. :-D

In Pieces

Turns out it’s all about devotion
Pouring your heart’s love into the open cups around you

God is the one holding the cup
The one doing the pouring
And the liquid itself

And my yearning for a strapping young man to press against my body right now
Is a fraction of what it feels like to be separated from the Divine I was birthed from
Oh,
To be completed again

Like Humpty Dumpty
We’re just picking up the pieces
Knowing
It’s going to take more than
All the king’s horses
And all the king’s men