I seem to be experiencing a strange mix of emotions. If everyone goes through the same existential crap that I go through it truly is humbling how much joy and stability exists in the world. I am typing this from the mountains of eastern New Mexico, where the air is possibly thin enough that I’m just enough oxygen-deprived to be experiencing my emotions through a slightly more negative lens. I’m reflecting on my life to date, my education, jobs and relationships, and trying to make sense of it all. I feel like I’ve truly been through so much as a person: A rocky childhood spotted with hunger, cold, poverty, violence, transience, and religious absolutes. Leaning heavily on my academic and athletic achievements as a means to a better life. The pursuit of an education for the purposes of material prosperity and intellectual stimulation.  The striving and exhausting of my body to achieve physical feats beyond my capacity. The relationships:  the ambitious, materialistic, mama’s boy jocks; the aloof, unavailable, intellectually fascinating targets of seduction, the passionate one-night stands with perfect god-like archetypes, intense loyalties destroyed by mistrust or financial inequalities. The failure to plan for long-term happiness in career. The physical readiness to be married with kids at age 18, the agonizing delay of that gratification for over a decade.

A manifesto on the meaning of life:

A disillusionment that every conception is holy. To ask, what frees my heart? What makes me feel free? What is my bliss? To engage in a partnership and yet have the option at any minute to pull the plug and run away, knowing that you are perfectly capable, if not miserable, on your own.  What do I dream of? How do I bring others into that dream?

I needed to do some research at this point, and found this great list worthy of my meditation for today:

“For our purposes, I will define spiritual health as a condition evidenced by the presence of several of these characteristics:

1. sense of inner peace

2. finding comfort and/or strength in one’s spiritual beliefs and values

3. a belief in divine or perpetual goodness

4. a belief in one’s own worth and/or goodness

5. ability to receive and offer love and care

6. strong connection to people

7. sense of place or purpose in the world

8. ability to forgive self and others

9. hopefulness in the future

10. sense of some control over one’s own life

And conversely, a lack of spiritual health may be evidenced by the presence of several of these

characteristics:

1. persistent fear

2. excessive guilt

3. addictions

4. inner turmoil

5. sense of hopelessness

6. frequent conflict with others

7. victimization of self and/or others

8. judgmental, punishing, and/or harsh behavior toward self and/or others

9. needing constant approval from outside one’s self

10. excessive anger

11. sense of worthlessness

12. rigidity

13. And perhaps most significantly, the tendency to justify any of the above negative behaviors with religious teaching or value”

http://www.abortionconversation.com/SpiritualHealth.pdf

To spiritual health…

I attended the Dia do Los Muertos in the heart of the Mission this year (Nov 2nd) for the first time. To be honest, I was a bit taken aback by how many people were there seemingly just for a party. I suppose I expected a more somber, traditional event, something I would feel slightly uncomfortable intruding upon. To the contrary, it felt more like Bay to Breakers if it were held at night and everyone painted their face to look like a skull.

I got some of the depth I was searching for in the park where the altars were erected.

This was the first one to provoke some heavy emotion – I assumed it was meant to be an altar to the lives lost and mutations altered due to the Hiroshima nuclear disaster. I extrapolated it to be a memorial to everyone and everything lost in humankind’s fairly recent exploration of chemical power. To me this means what we’ve lost environmentally (destroying ozone, water sources, hormonally altering animals, effects of nuclear radiation) and personally (deaths due to drugs, side-effects and deaths due to prescription medications).

The first disturbing altar I actually saw was a memorial to Steve Jobs:

I can’t explain why it was disturbing except that the altar itself really stood out amongst the backdrop of a traditional Mexican holiday as something very, well, white, and simple and technology-forward. The two contrasted so much it was hard to reconcile them both existing at the same place and time.

Another moving altar was the clusterf*** that was this altar:

There was some kind of trancy low-frequency humming sound playing in the background and the sheer span of cultures and items in the altar brought forth a lot of emotions around tradition, culture, family, etc. It left me feeling as one person on Yelp said: “Much like dream catchers hanging from the car rear view mirror…no relevance….only stealing another culture because the culture of the U.S. is entertainment & thats why people go to this event..they have no real culture of their own.”

I actually felt this loss very deeply at this event. It reminded me of how little “culture” or “tradition” I have, and how rich and deeply meaningful the traditions of other cultures are. It must feel weird for a Mexican native to have a hollow, traditionless, white, European-American help them celebrate a holiday we have no blood-connection nor memories toward.

It shows there is something to be said for staying put long enough to create something beautiful and meaningful.

But speaking of traditions, another very elegant altar honored the original Burning Man Black Rock City architect:

I guess this goes to show that Americans are capable of producing traditions, odd and interesting as they are!

One of the creepiest sights I saw was a mother in a long skirt and skull-painted face pushing her child on the swingset in the park in the dead of night. Really haunting!

Altogether a worthwhile experience, one of my favorite parts being a raisin tamale I bought for a dollar :-) Ay, ay, ay-ay, canta y no llores…

Keeping current projects afloat
-not much planning time, mostly action/adjusting

Trichotillomania
-back with a vengeance, feeling mentally active and time-limited, burning candles at both ends and sleeping when possible (8pm bedtimes, 2 hours sleep/6 hours/11 hours/naps)
-picking at hair when mind is holding more than 2 directions without action, thumb blistering/peeling, new friend on plane stopping me gently and shaking head like don’t do that
-hair growing out-reminded why it was easier for me to keep it pixie short, less of a distraction
-drank a lot two nights in a row (Mon/Tues), felt very helpful for mellowing out, very rare for me to use drugs that way but body too tired for yoga, not in habit of meditation

Instant Facebook/texting/emails becoming a distraction, losing time/focus for tasks; lost my phone one night and felt much calmer, decided to go out and just be present. Was nice. Might establish dead times throughout day where I can’t respond instantly to inputs.

Had a massage and walk Wednesday morning, really healing-feeling.

Exploring quite a few simultaneous romantic connections, all feels balanced somehow in intensity and connection with what everyone is offering each other. Many physical/love interests making an appearance back in my life within one week. Learning to have a full love plate and pondering the implications and responsibilities around that. Curious in observing how sustained stress affects the letting-go and experience of love-making/orgasm. Experimenting more with verbal communication.

Feeling saddened by physical limitations of others: Allergies, acute and chronic injuries, medications, can’t relate to any of that. Feeling like health is such a birthright and people aren’t spending enough time there. Feeling very healthy without effort.

Balance needed in my mental efforts/focus so that relaxation/calmness in the mind can be achieved without swinging between overdrive and lethargy.

Feeling very drawn toward astrology and writing. Still feeling very connected to the idea of networking, finding and growing relationships, getting my messages out into the world, staying positive and fruitful, learning and soaking up lessons from others. Feeling very curious and understanding.

I’m wondering if relationships are like religions, in that it’s best if you just choose one and be really sincere and devoted in your path. My yoga tradition emphasized this wisdom.

It’s also present in athletic coaching. While getting inputs from many coaches might inform or inspire an athlete, it can also confuse them and keep them from advancing as far as they could with a particular coach if they just stayed with them and learned their lessons.

But at what point do you forsake your coach, your religion, your relationship?