Fog is Lifting

Dug a hole
Got pulled out
Standing on the grass
Wanna touch the sky
Digging more holes
Mind working overtime
Can’t walk and chew gum
Anxious, limited, sick, immobile
Take away my anxiety
All fun and games until your life is full and your pockets are empty
What does this remind me of?
Maybe it’s time I stepped up
And led.

NIMBY – Except You, and You

“There’s no way I’m letting WalMart into my city, but a Bank of America tower is more than welcome!”

There’s a Target store coming into San Francisco. No WalMart, but its slightly more pretentious cousin, Target, is moving in.

Let me just say I love WalMarts. And I love Targets. KMarts, notsomuch. It’s all about the efficiency and purity of the systems to me. I admire how their stores are laid out. I appreciate the organization. I like the bigness of it all (although the SuperWalmarts do push that for me). I love WalMart the same way I love McDonald’s: you know what to expect, the quality is consistent, they are efficient and organized. I also hate them in the same way: I wish I was wearing higher-quality, organic cottons, made with love by someone who loves me, or eating higher quality, organic foods, cooked with love by someone who loves me.

As an engineer I appreciate when systems are created that work. I admire that about WalMart and BofA. A lot of people in SF are anti-WalMart for many reasons, often the “support small business owners not large corporations” shtuff. I’m just wondering, at what point of “largeness” does one become a “sell out” or cross the line into “greedy” big business? This question is important in our current Main St vs Wall St revolution.

“Too big to fail” is fascinating to me, and while I chose to move my money to a local credit union I love, I miss BofA’s better technology. Can’t we have the benefits of both somehow? At what point does small business become too big to be customer-focused, too big to fail, etc. Is this the “Monopoly” of our time we must regulate against? Endlessly interesting…

I don’t know what is so alluring about the big box stores. And I find it odd that cities will support some types but not others. There are several Staples, Office Max and Office Depots in San Francisco. There is a Lowe’s, there are McDonald’s everywhere, a few Burger Kings, the major food chains, Subway’s etc. There is something very beautiful about the way these organizations are run and patterned, but at the same time I see how they also feel soul-less and wrong!  It is difficult to feel ownership as a worker in such organizations.

Don’t think I’m getting anywhere so I’ll stop rambling for now…thoughts?

Web Logging

Tonight seems like a good night to vent.

On “vacation” in Montana for my cousin’s wedding. It was a truly beautiful event, the third fantastic, love-filled, happy wedding I’ve attended this year. One of the highlights for me was being asked to dance by a cute little 3-year-old blonde thing. She was shaking it on the dance floor all night long like she just didn’t care, quite an inspiration to me, and to the many in the room who didn’t risk dancing for fear of looking “silly”. I got rid of that filter a LONG time ago, but it was still refreshing to see the exuberance and innocence of someone completely lacking any filter and just dancing for the pure joy of it (always my goal).

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about courage and being useful in the world. The world seems to really reward people who have the courage to pursue their passions ardently. The world certainly doesn’t need any more wallflowers who wait their whole lives for someone to wave a magic happy wand over their stagnation. I’ve reached a new point of
decision. I’m coaching athletes at the university level, I started up a massage referral service, I started an athlete promotion/education business, I educate and offer affordable legal plans to friends and family, I lead hiking tours of my neighborhood occasionally, and I park cars valet for special events around the city at least once a week. However, I’ve managed to set up my life so that I cannot pursue any one of these interests with full passion and dedication, which inevitably leads to me feeling like a wheel-spinning headcase. This may turn into a scheduling opportunity, or a delegation/leverage opportunity. I cannot let myself become extended, broke, and unhappy once again. My new game is to be wealthy, and damn it all to hell if I can’t figure out some way to be ridiculously abundant in my life. :-D

I’ve been feeling extra grateful for the men in my life, particularly those I’ve dated in the past year since entering the dating game again. Each one has opened my eyes to deeper happiness in a different direction, and I’m just so grateful to have had the experiences I have had. I had to wait nine years to have the courage to date around, and I’m so glad I took that plunge with an imperfectly patterned mind, but at least with an open heart. Sometimes I feel like I’m driving a machine without a manual or a map, but I just don’t care :-) It’s important for me to learn to love deeply, freely, and passionately. I believe once I’ve come sufficiently back into myself that way I will be given the chance to be blessed with a family to share and propagate that happiness with.

Taking in the hot tub under the chilly, starlit Montana sky one last time…to really living!

Missing You

Oh, what tangled webs we weave in the night
I’m trying to make sense of it all
When love comes at you in so many forms
What is God trying to say through these mouths?

Hearts in all stages of opening
Confused by the stories we tell
Would that my heart could more purely be moved
By the needs that my love came to fill

When it comes to love
Please take away words
Ly down
What’s more real than singing?

They told us a lie
What is easy is hard
And that shields us from living more bold.

I hate what I’ve done
I hate what you’ve done
Didn’t we come here to build?

I must practice love
Every second in time
I can’t live without God any longer

Loving

Today we celebrated
Loving, loving, loving
Don’t often practice
Loving, loving, loving
I pet my cat
Loving, loving, loving
Like a river moving through me
Loving, loving, loving
It opens up to you
Loving, loving, loving
Carving wider through my being
Loving, loving, loving
That we could always be
Loving, loving, loving
I feel my insides heal
Loving, loving, loving

Big, Bad Woofs

Just the right subject to take me out of my city mentality, my parents showed me this picture when I first arrived in Montana. The story goes that this woman they know was out bow-hunting in Idaho and this 150-lb wolf jumped out of the bushes about 10 feet in front of her. The woman felt as if she was being tracked as its prey, and had a gun with her so she pulled it out and shot the wolf and escaped, guessing others were closeby in a pack. She later went back to have a picture with it.

There has been great tension between men and wolf in the northern states, especially since Canadian wolves were experimentally reintroduced to Yellowstone National Park and Idaho in the mid-nineties to thin out the elk population, a project first proposed in 1966. “The Idaho state government opposed the reintroduction of wolves into the state and many citizens feel as if the wolves were forced onto the state by the federal government” (Wikipedia article). Wolves are at the top of the food chain and are considered a threat to farmers, ranchers, and hunters. There are now just under 100 documented wolves in the park, though some sites estimate nearly 1000 wolves between Montana and Idaho.

This was an interesting bumpersticker I saw at the gas station my second day in Montana: Save 100 elk, Kill a wolf. Ah, home sweet home!