Progress

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Got the call back that my estrogen was a bit high today so they are dialing me back. Puppies and children seemed especially cute to me today :-)

The injections are making me a tad nauseous but just at the time of dosage. I ate three full meals today despite not really being that hungry all day, and 4 girl scout cookies. Too much really. Bleh. No more exercise starting today. Starting to feel tender in the abdomen.

Had fun with roommate A tonight doing makeovers at dailymakeover.com . We were up past midnight messing around on that site. So much fun living with a fellow narcissistic Leo! I am really getting into this hair and makeup thing. What a difference it can make.

Poor athlete got in another car wreck today. Very shaken up. Reminds me of myself and my 3 college car accidents. I would like to encourage her to take a defensive driving class (even though she was not the driver in this past accident). I did not have any accidents after I took that Smith’s defensive driver training and I felt much more empowered to control my own safety on the road.

Tomorrow night is the hearing about rave parties in San Francisco at City Hall. I probably will share my NYE story in hopes that similar parties won’t be shut down in the future. Such a shame. www.savetherave.org

Save the Rave

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Found myself at an organizing meeting against a city ordinance proposal banning electronic music parties in the city tonight. It was interesting hearing the perspectives tonight of DJ’s, party promoters, underground DJ’s, and later a security guard (my housemate) who’s had to deal with drugged out teenagers at a dubstep rave, and a 40-year-old whose fully permitted NYE party (I attended) got shut down because of ELECTRONIC MUSIC.

Then found myself at a swanky financial district singles mixer, where I somehow managed to purchase a perfectly-fitting wedding dress from a charity “The Princess Project” so that I can wear it for the Brides of March (www.bridesofmarch.org) or for some other future artsy reason. LML

I was wearing a totally funky long green dress with a tight black sweater cardigan with skulls and tattoos, a purple beret, and black boots tonight. It was so colorful and awesome, and really VERY unique and so different from anything the corporate clones were wearing all over downtown. I really felt like playing a colorful character tonight, and it was a blast. So many curious looks and smiles warmed my heart while walking around downtown. Love spreading the love!

I can’t really tell if my daily low-dose testosterone shots or my heart bursting with love is creating the awesome magicalness that has been this past week. I have noticed that I have been incredibly attractive, in every sense of the word: all sorts of good things and people and opportunities are finding me. I have been meditating/thinking a lot about how it feels to be in love, with the heart just pried open and pouring forth its gifts and gratefulness (recreating how I feel about someone I’ve been seeing). The longer I can stoke that fire and keep it going, the more magic I experience. By magic I mean good things materializing not long after a concept is created. I went on Craigslist on Sunday night, totally broke, and by Monday morning had $50 in my bank account and an unrelated new job opportunity. I’m getting 3-4 times the hits/mail from dating websites, every day. I thought about how nice it would be to go out to eat at a restaurant and someone bought me a dinner just for my company and knowledge of the oil industry. This weekend I got a free massage, a free ticket to an international film. One of my athletes just told me in an email how much she appreciates me! It’s just all been crazy good. Or maybe the universe just knows I’m trying to bring another life into the world this month so it is pampering me for my efforts, haha.

Will keep posting as my more intense medications will start on Friday, hormonal shifts will get very interesting then…

Here We Go!

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Ushering in the magic
Welcome to my cotton candy palace!
Fly on in, swirl around my head
And dazzle me with your dreams.
I built this mansion last week
Out of love and light and ecstasy
Why wouldn’t they all want to come?

Let Go and Let God Play

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How did you do it?
How did you show up and make all my dreams come true?
How did he know what I needed?
And why would I get what I want?

I was born with these dreams
Curiosities

They are God’s dreams for me
Why else would they come and thrill me so fully?
It dreams through me.

Never again to apologize
Never again to hide
This little light of mine
All I have to do is let it shine

Processing

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I love catching up with old friends/acquaintances and telling my life story all over. It reminds me that as lost as I feel sometimes, I do seem to be on some kind of path that people recognize as heading toward some convergence of the life skills I have acquired. I am in yet another transitional phase, between business ownership and bankruptcy. Doing my last egg donation. The only constant is the coaching (thank God for some constants).

Living within a transition, I can't help feeling like I should be getting ahead of the game somehow. I've been applying for additional work on Craigslist, with the caveat that I want to have a good chunk of time "off" this summer to travel to Europe. With gas prices pushing up airfare, this is also a plan very much up-in-the-air. After looking at administrative assistant-type-gigs, tonight I went for a valet parking attendant opening. A job where I get to jog, drive a car, and get tips for being friendly seems right up my alley!

It is rather fun (when not terrifying) living in a total information void, wondering where God needs me next. I've observed that my opportunities all come from recycling my education, and I haven't gotten any formal education in a while! However, I've received plenty of informal education in running a business and how not to have a relationship nor a social life.

I feel like I've stumbled upon some insights into weight control as well lately, as an added bonus! Discipline seems to be key in not letting weight get out of control. For example, today I had a largeish late breakfast, then 1.5 hours it was "time" for lunch, so I had some (although not feeling hungry) and felt a "full" feeling, which I now recognize as detrimental. Two hours later my stomach "fullness" had decreased and I felt an urge to eat in order to feel "full" again. However, I was not hungry! So creating fullness sets up a level of eating that sustains excess calories. Having the discipline to avoid getting full is key to not messing up the rest of the day. Getting "full" is like spiking the blood sugar beyond a limit that the body can operate on. When it inevitably dips, a need for sugar is created again, and yet the body does not need the calories. What a game. So many independent internal partitions fighting for their own equilibrium! I chalked today up as a "fail." No more full feelings!

Winning

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Pink and red glitter fills the air between me and the ocean
Its dark sky calm
It’s all washing away
All the crap they built
And their neat little rows
And I am so glad
Nature is winning
I need to believe
She is powerful
Tenacious
Vengeful
Glorious
Otherwise
Who would I be?

Smile

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A very personal blog tonight…I was reading in "Laughter, Tears, Silence" about a simple awareness meditation where you just breathe with awareness. The second stage was breathe, but with a small smile. This relaxes all the facial muscles and puts you instantly at ease. (And seems to make everyone around you wonder what you are so pleased about).

I immediately thought to myself, "Why don't I try this during sex?" I imagine that relaxing into the act would make it more likely that it would be obscenely pleasurable. Sometimes hitting the right spots is a downright chore. The chances a woman will orgasm during sex are around 35 percent, surmised by some to be a reason women are more choosy about whom they choose to relate with. I figure if it will boost my odds, why not? Not having a suitable partner at the moment, I have been practicing this technique solo and I have to say it works like magic. Cheers to meditation and to pleasure!

Hungry Diet

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So I’ve embarked on something I’ve never tried before: purposefully waiting until I’m hungry to eat. I stumbled upon this “diet” by accident when I ran out of money last month and was not able to buy snacks throughout the day or eat much for dinners. For the first time since college, I dipped below 170lbs (I’m just over 5’10”) and started seeing and feeling my abdomen become concave (a first).

I am learning how often I WANT to eat, and how that differs from how often I NEED to eat. I’m learning just how much I have in common with the house’s pit bull beggar.

For instance, today I had Kashi 7-grain cereal and greek yogurt with unsweetened coconut for breakfast. I went to work, and did not become actually hungry for 3 hours, though I thought about food sooner. I had a butternut squash tamale and about 3oz gouda cheese for lunch, which was super delicious (food tastes way better when your stomach growls). Two hours later I was not hungry, BUT a birthday cake was being served so I had a small piece of chocolate and yellow cake with a ton of frosting. I had to sit next to the cake for another 1.5 hours, being tortured, knowing that I could not have another piece because I was not hungry, yet still craving the sugary sweetness. That was very difficult! However, I made it all the way home without taking another slice and by 7pm I was still NOT HUNGRY. At home there was sweet and sour chicken on the stove so I helped myself to two pieces, as I was feeling a bit weak/low blood sugar, yet not hungry. I took the dog out for a nice run, came home, still not hungry. Finally, as I type this at 10:30pm, I am starting to feel hungry. Perfect timing, as I am ready for bed. Going to bed slightly hungry helps me to wake up feeling light and awesome.

I will continue the experiment tomorrow. It will be interesting to see if I need any more or less calories. Today seemed like barely over a thousand calories were consumed. I have eaten a lot of fattening roasted peanuts and cheese/yogurt the past few days so I assume my lack of hunger is due to a fat overload. Will find out soon!

No Shampoo

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An update on my no-hair washing experiment! Since the beginning of December of 2010 I stopped using both shampoo and conditioner in my hair. Instead I scrub my scalp with my nails in the shower and simply "wash" my hair with just warm/hot water.

Benefits:

*No cost for shampoo/conditioner!

*Hair feels and looks "healthy" and thick, despite having colored and bleached it multiple times in the past year.

*Hair retains moisture long after shower. It is now 1:30pm and my hair is still damp from a shower 3 hours ago.

*Fewer harsh chemicals against my scalp

Drawbacks:

*Hair still has a heavy look, meaning oils are probably not yet perfectly distributed. This can be temporarily overcome by blow-drying hair, which I try to do infrequently.

*Seemingly more scalp waxy buildup. Trying to combat this with thorough scrubbing in shower and brushing hair daily, especially scalp.

I've read it can take months for natural oil production to stabilize itself after years of adaptation to harsh stripping by chemical shampoos. I should probably stop dyeing my hair every month to really get the full effect, since each dye job is like a pretty harsh shampoo.

Since I am growing my hair pixie short to bra-line, it will be interesting to see how this will play out with longer and longer hair.