Keeping a text message log I was able to go back 5 months and analyze a relationship. What I noticed was that I preferred to have constant communication. If I didn't hear back from my love within a couple of hours I would get a little anxious. One day and I was questioning all intentions. After 3-4 days I would get extremely despondent and irritated. After 5 days he ceased to exist in my world and I desperately sought to find other potential mates!

My guess is that I was trying to fit this relationship into the previous one's template. My ex and I would talk EVERY DAY on the phone, or at least send text messages.

Part of it may be biological too…after 3-4 days a woman is wired to go back for more love to increase her chances of furthering the species!

All the while, my mind was constantly computing his intentions & motivations based off the time lapse and content of the last communication (a computation which is very subjective so likely 80 percent false).

Interesting looking at this relationship from a "scientific" point of view tonight, sans emotion. A good perspective.

Lessons learned: ummmm, two people may bring two communication frequency histories to the relationship (not to mention communication preferences, i.e. Email vs. Text vs. Chat vs. Calling). Silence might actually be golden sometimes. I need communication (or better yet physical contact) at least twice a week to stave off flight tendencies in a non-committed relationship.

Probably some random reflections, musings at the airport on my way home to San Francisco for the new year…

On life balance: The past 4 years I have been using every available waking hour as a “work” hour. I had more vacations than normal this summer and my Yosemite trip in particular was very difficult for me to adapt to “not working.” It wasn’t even that I was working productively 100 hours/week. A lot of the time was traveling between jobs, or intense sessions at a computer. Mostly I was spending time worrying about all the things I wouldn’t be getting done, and feeling guilty about sitting down on the couch after dinner occasionally. I almost totally denied myself any fun social activities beyond going to the movies by myself or with an old friend. FOR THREE YEARS.

The new year brings new opportunities to redefine what I want my life to look like. This has come at a steep price. My past 4 years were spent working very hard to build a life that would eventually bring me freedom and leisure, or at least get me by. It was a backward pursuit that burnt me out physically and spiritually and ultimately confused me in the end. I realize how much, and how little I can accomplish on my own. I learned the art of planning for success. I learned the art of delegation and the invaluable asset of community. And I’m learning more every minute about the value of taking action when I am called to and not letting things play out too far.

By leaving my relationship early this summer, I was making a conscious choice (finally) to spend my time with someone who truly loved and trusted me. I was so ready for something better and more awesome, a smooth ride with an open heart. I think I committed to the idea of commitment with him. I must have been rebounding from 2 years of casual flinging and was wanting something “deeper.” I’m still so immature when it comes to relationship dynamics. I hope I can manifest a real partnership. I don’t know how so many other people in the world have done it. But how many are really doing it successfully, and not just co-dependently? How can I practice for this? Ugh.

Not only did I kill my relationship but I’ve now decided to kill its child, my massage therapy business. The dopamine is gone there too and come to think of it, it was manifesting the same pattern as my relationship: It wasn’t meeting my needs and that was ok as long as someone else was getting the benefits. Jeez Louise. When I did finally decide to get my needs met I discovered it just wasn’t what I really wanted after all anyway. Weird.

So maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me that I need to be taken care of for a while. Let’s see where that takes me…

It's hard to be sad after you've won a new car.

Wife/Girlfriend: I'm sorry, but I'm seeing someone else. He's a brilliant attorney. He does triathlons.

Husband/boyfriend, who just recently won a new car, tearing up: Bwahahaha ahahahaha!

You don’t have the right
To hold onto your pain
As long as you clutch that fireball
You will burn everyone who tries to hold your hand

You don’t have the right
To withhold your trust
What you think is a shield is a nasty dreamweaver
And those you love get caught in your nets

You don’t have the right
To perpetuate hurt in the world
Men are more prone to this than women
It takes greater courage for a man
To humble himself when abused

The only way to live and love
Is with the heart of a child
That purity and innocence
Was not reflected when you last looked in a mirror
But the child is not gone
You just need a cleaner mirror

I agreed to hold your heart forever
And my chest opened wide
I was sitting on the recliner
And your heart flew inside
Tears streamed through my eyes
As your heart merged with mine
I wonder if you felt it
If you gave it
Is it mine?